Sober
by Corinne 22
Summary: -Winner for 1st Place-The depression seeps in, the lost feelings take over. The sun will rise and set but the loneliness always stays. I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile...Entry for the Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest.
1. Chapter 1

**Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest**

**Name of Story: Sober**

**Pen Name: Corinne 22**

**Song story is inspired by: Sober**

**Artist: Tool**

**Category: Newbie**

**Main pairing: Bella and Edward**

**POV: Bella and Edward**

***********

There's a shadow just behind me,  
shrouding every step I take,  
making every promise empty,  
pointing every finger at me.  
Waiting like a stalking butler  
who upon the finger rests.  
Murder now the pattern must we,  
just because the son has come?  
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle  
something but the past and done?  
Jesus, wont you fucking whistle  
something but the past endured?

Why can't we not be sober?  
I Just want to start this over.  
And why can't we drink forever?  
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.  
I am just an imbecile.  
I will only complicate you.  
Trust in me and fall as well.  
I will find a center in you.  
I will chew it up and leave,  
I will work to elevate you  
just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary won't you whisper  
something but what's past and done.  
Mother Mary won't you whisper  
something but what's past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?  
I Just want to start this over.  
Ah, why can't we sleep forever?  
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.  
I am just an imbecile.  
I will only complicate you.  
Trust in me and fall as well.  
I will find a center in you.  
I will chew it up and leave,  
Trust me, trust me, trust me,  
trust me, and trust me

Why can't we not be sober?  
Just want to start this over.  
Why can't we sleep forever?  
Just want to start this over.

I want what I want, I want what  
I want, I want what I want, I want  
what I want

**Disclaimer: SM owns all character and Tool owns the song, along with my soul :) lol**

**Go to: www(dot)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com for all other entries please :)**

* * *

**Edward POV**

*******

I'm not a great person. Hell, maybe I'm not even a good person. I don't donate money. I don't contribute to society. I just do my own thing and sit on my ass. I don't even know if I can be considered as a good son or a good brother anymore. I just know what I feel. And, what I feel right now is pretty fucking great.

The walls seem to pulse with my heartbeat. Which, I had to admit, was not going at it's normal rate. But that _was_ normal. I had popped a few xanax pills about two hours, maybe three hours ago. Who really cares about the logistics of time. I followed it with a couple of shots of vodka an hour ago. Maybe it's not so smart to mix the two. But, I don't care. Whatever gets my head to shut up. Whatever makes the world float away or seem better, I'll do it.

My parents make decent money. We never go without anything we need. But, I don't need their money to support my habit anymore. I get it all for free. The nice Chief Swan helps me out with that. If Bella only knew what her father's dark side could do. I guess we all have a dark side, though. Deep secrets. Something that we don't want anyone to know.

He was in for a rude awakening the day I walked in on him, though. I was in the right place at the right time. He was doing the right thing at the wrong time. That was the beginning of the bribery and, therefore, my needs being met with no complaint.

It was always random things. Whatever he could find from a drug bust and stash away. You'd be surprised how many people in a small town like Forks do drugs. I guess we all share the common need to get away from this town. To get away from boredom. Most of them just do it at night or for recreation. I, on the other hand, lived for it. I think if it wasn't for my ability to drown into the fuzzy effects of the drugs then I would've been gone a long time ago. I'm just biding my time until I can leave. I can quit whenever I'm able to leave this town. It's no big deal.

If it wasn't for that lucky day of seeing Chief Swan bent over a table, snorting up coke while having a bloody man laying at his feet, then I wouldn't be in my pleasant inebriated state. I didn't question him on the hows or the whys. I just took it upon myself to hold that information and use it to my advantage. He didn't want his daughter finding out about it and I couldn't blame him. The thought of daddy dearest, the only person that she has to hold on to, being a coke head? Yeah, that wouldn't go over too well.

Bella was the quiet type. The kind of girl that seemed like a goody two shoes. The kind who would never speak an unkind word or even know what coke was it if was right underneath her nose. The kind of person who was the complete opposite of me.

I was still in love with her, though.

She had become friends with my sister, Alice, her freshman year of high school. They were also complete opposites, so it never made much sense to me. Alice was, basically, her only friend though. She was over at my house often. I loved knowing that I was in the same area as her but it also caused me great pain to know what I could never do. A reminder of what I could never have. She was too pure, too kind. I would mess that up in a heartbeat. I didn't want to drag her down with me into my depression and drugs. I loved her enough to stay away. To harbor all of the pain and keep it to myself so she would never have to feel it for herself.

As I laid on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, I was very aware of the fact that this wonderful person was in the next room. Divided by only a wall. I could hear their giggling and murmurs of their voices. I wondered what it was that could bring that sweet sound of her laughter to surface. I wondered if I could ever be the one to give that to her. But then I quickly remembered that I couldn't. I needed to stay away.

My breath came out in a huge huff into the silence of the room. I needed to be more fucked up. I couldn't handle things anymore lately. It made it even worse knowing that she was only feet away. My chest ached and I yearned for her. I'm sure that if she knew what kind of thoughts about her ran through my head then she wouldn't ever step foot in this house again. She wouldn't sit across from me in the lunchroom at school. She wouldn't try to make me talk to her by saying hello every day with her beautiful timid smile in our biology class.

I used to be able to chase thoughts of her away. But now they seeped through, no matter how many drugs I took. No matter what it was that I polluted into my system.

I decided I should take another xanax, hoping that it would help me chase thoughts of her face away. The face that I could never hold. The face that I could never kiss. The face that I could never make smile or giggle like Alice could.

My feet felt sluggish, my hands already feeling numb, as I sorted through my hidden stash of goodies for the pill bottle. I had to squint through my blurry eyesight and half opened eyelids. I was numb and already tired but thoughts would not stop coming through. Visions of my wishes flashing through my mind. Like a playback of a movie about things to always torture me.

The lid was a pain in the ass to try to open. Damn child lock bullshit. I had to use all concentration just to open the damn thing. I became vaguely aware of my hands shaking as I placed the bottle back into my little spot. The place that has become my own personal heaven. I wasn't religious at all. I didn't believe in a God. If there was a God, then why would he put me through this hell and mock me. But, if there was such a thing as heaven, then I'm sure that what I now held in my hand was the way to get there.

The pill fit so nicely placed against my tongue. I let it soften up a bit before I crushed it in between my teeth, reveling in the bitter taste that I knew so well. Many people hated this taste. I loved it because I knew what it meant it could bring.

I dragged my feet over to my bed and fell backwards with a solid thud. My arms were laid out across the emptiness of my bed, my legs were limp and felt heavy against the mattress. I blinked my eyes slowly a few times before I closed them. I could hear her laughter coming through the wall again. My head just inches away from the wall that she was probably leaning against. I let the heavy feeling take me over as I heard her laugh one more time and imagined her laughing as we laid in this bed together.

I take back the thought of drugs as my heaven. That would surely be my heaven.

**Bella POV**

***

Alice always knew how to make me laugh. We were best friends after all, so she knew every little thing about me. Well, almost. She knew everything, except for my growing feelings about her brother. If she knew anything about that then she would kill me. She always complained about him. She was upset about how withdrawn he had become and believed that he was taking drugs. When I would ask why she thought this, her reply would always be, "Bella, I'm not stupid.". Which was always followed by an eye roll and a look.

I don't know, he was a little odd. His eyes did seem red sometimes and had dark circles under them. But that kind of made me want to talk to him even more. The man I was starting to believe that I love needed my help. But I had no way of knowing how to do it. I would look up signs of drug use on the internet and try to find out the facts. I have spent way too many hours looking.

But facts only got me so far when I couldn't even talk to him. All that I could cleverly come up with was a greeting of hello, but my mind froze on any other words. I wanted to talk to him, to hold him. I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. I wanted to be able to tell him how I have felt for years in the most eloquent words that would make him crumble and accept me. But he was always so distant. So far away that I could never touch him. He never let anyone in so why would I be the chosen one? I was just a little girl, with no life, who knew of nothing.

Alice was going on about how a guy that she had a crush on named Jasper. She was throwing on slutty outfits and dry humping the air, pretending like she was slapping his imaginary ass. I continued to laugh at her immature antics, trying to hide the fact that I wished I was somewhere else right now. Another room over, maybe.

"And then he'd be like, 'Oh yes, Alice, you tap my ass so well! Don't ever stop!'. And then I would just give it to him so hard that he would never think of anyone else ever again and he would be my sex slave for life," she said while finally flopping on the bed in a fit of laughter.

I pushed her off the bed with my feet as she continued to laugh on the floor.

"I think you have way too many hormones raging through you. I need to go get you spayed."

"Ugh. When it comes to Jasper, yes. That man does so many things to my insides that it's not even funny," she said as her head popped up onto the mattress.

"Glad I can't relate," I replied while pushing harder into the wall.

She crossed her arms and laid her chin on them. Her eyes seemed to stare harder onto my face.

"I don't know, Bella. It's kind of fun getting all excited about someone. Trying to be close to him, trying to get him to notice you, the whole thrill of the chase. Don't tell me you've never felt that way before."

"Yeah, but what about the heartbreak? What about how you feel when you notice that he doesn't want you back? How exciting does it feel then?" I asked while curling my knees up to my chest.

Alice reached across her bed and nudged my foot with one of her hands. "Are you sure you're not speaking from personal experience?"

I quickly looked away from her stare and laid down on my side, propping my head up with my hand.

"No," I said while picking at a string on her blanket. "I'm just saying. I mean, not everything is a happy ending and a fairytale."

She gave a hard look at my face for a moment before she sighed and pushed herself up to stand.

"Ok," she said in a much more chipper voice. She was obviously trying to change the subject. "What outfit should I wear tomorrow for school to dazzle the poor man?"

She started to wiggle her eyebrows while grabbing her boobs to give herself cleavage. I couldn't help but laugh at her some more. She was crazy but I loved her.

I continued to giggle at her attempts of putting together the "must make Jasper fall to his knees" outfit. I tried not to remember who was on the other side of the wall that my back was pushing against so hard. I tried not to think of the green eyes that belonged to that person.

I tried, but I failed.

**Edward POV**

*******

I woke up to the dimming light, the sun already setting. I must have slept through the whole day, again. I'm surprised my parents didn't wake me up this time. My dad normally kicked my butt out of bed if I wasn't awake by noon. I could see the disappointment growing behind his eyes every day. I knew what I put him through, but I wasn't willing to stop it. He didn't understand the pain I felt. He had his happy little life of social events and fake little smiles with handshakes. I wanted none of that.

He had visions of me becoming a doctor, just like him. Follow the family destiny. But his hopes were crushed with every report card that had come home. I think he had officially given up on me. I had already given up on me too, so it came as no surprise. I had to admit that it hurt a little to see his admiration of Alice and then quick hopelessness of mine. But, what can I do?

I strained to hear any signs of Bella, but no murmur of her voice came through the walls. I worried that she decided to already leave and I wouldn't get to see her face today. Maybe I shouldn't have taken so much xanax last night. Then I would have been able to wake up in enough time to see her leave. To hide behind my curtains and sneak a peek out of my bedroom window of her hopping into Chief Swan's vehicle.

I pushed my heavy limbs off of my bed and dragged my feet to the bathroom to take the longest piss of my life. Dad's money let me have the luxury of my own bathroom in my bedroom. I resented the man, but it didn't mean I couldn't enjoy the luxuries of his money.

I walked downstairs, firmly holding on to the railing for support. My legs still felt heavy and my mind a bit out of it. My body and mind moved in slow motion, at least that's the way it felt to me.

Smells of food drifted up to me, making me nauseous and hungry at the same time. I haven't eaten in probably three days, but I didn't feel as hungry as I should.

Bella's voice drifted up to me as I reached half way down the stairs. My hand grasped the stair rail harder and I stopped to brace myself to see her. The thoughts of having to be around her sobered me up slightly more.

I heard the angelic sound of her laughter echo off the walls of the hallway and briefly smiled to myself.

"Excuse me."

I was snapped out of my thoughts as I heard Bella's voice a lot closer then I expected. She was standing two steps below me, looking at her feet as I blocked her way to go upstairs.

I quickly moved to the right, giving her room as I pressed my back to the wall. Her eyes briefly flashed to mine as she gave me a tiny smile and then made her way up to Alice's room. I wanted to reach my hand out and stop her. The energy I felt between us was palpable. I wondered if she felt it too. Or if I was the only sick fuck who was pining away.

But, it didn't matter. I needed to keep reminding myself that I could never act out on these feelings. Time was making it harder, not easier. Whoever it was that said time heals all wounds was full of shit. Just a lie concocted to make poor saps believe it would all get better. Unfortunatley, I wasn't one of those lucky poor saps. I felt the pain every day.

Without thinking I ran back upstairs to my room and went for my secret stash. As I reached in for the bottle of xanax my hands were shaking again. But for a totally different reason then why it was last night.

I instantly chewed it and swallowed. I stood for a moment, clutching the bottle in my wavering hand and decided on taking another before I replaced the cap. Just for precaution, since I knew that Bella still being here meant that she would be staying for dinner.

**Bella POV**

*******

I sat across from Edward at the Cullen dinner table. Everything was so fancy and perfectly placed on the table. Designer dishes, expensive cloth table cover and fresh cut flowers in the middle of the table.

A big difference from my dinners at home. Most of the nights I sat alone at our bare kitchen table, doing my homework, while my dad, Charlie sat in front of the television. We had a quiet kind of relationship, which was fine by me, but sometimes I wished for something more. Like how Carlisle would openly talk to us during the meal or ask his kids about their day. I wanted that kind of interest in me from my own father.

I ate in small bites as I took glances at Edward through my eyelashes. He was staring down at his plate, pushing his food around with the tip of his fork. Every now and then it would make a little scrapping noise against the fine china and would send shivers up my spine.

"Edward, could you please refrain from doing that?" Carlisle asked in a stern voice while almost glaring at his son.

I was shocked by Carlisle's reaction. I had never seen him being even remotely rude to either one of his children.

I noticed Edward's shoulders stiffen and his jaw become tense. He jabbed a piece of his steak on the fork and shoved it in his mouth as he continued to stare at his plate, never looking up at Carlisle. My fingers twitched around my napkin as I fought the need to reach over the table and touch his hand out of comfort. My own jaw clenched as I tried not to speak in his defense. I was feeling very protective of him and it bothered me that I couldn't do anything about it.

Carlisle chose to ignore his son as he clapped his hands together and said, "So, who's up for some dessert? We picked up some really good cake on the way home from the benefit we just went to. The caterer that was there suggested the place."

Everybody else agreed, nodding their heads as they spoke of their approval.

I stared at Edward as he pushed his plate away and quietly excused himself to go back up to his room. I watched as he practically ran up the stairs, his head down and shoulders hunched.

***

Charlie told me that I could spend the night with Alice again. If I couldn't read him well enough to know that he truly did love me then I would have questioned it by the amount of time that he allowed me to stay over here. I wondered what he did on his time off when I wasn't at home. I need to do something special for him soon. Show him a life that existed beyond that couch of his and show him how much I care. I worried that he worked too much. His eyes were red sometimes, from his lack of sleep, I supposed. I'm sure looking at all of those files at work didn't seem to help either.

I didn't see Edward for the rest of the night.

Alice and I went back to her bedroom to get ready for bed after we helped her parents clean up all of the dishes. I took the side of the bed against the wall, as usual. Alice thought that it made me feel more secure or safe to be closed in like that. I just really wanted to be two feet closer to where I knew Edward was sleeping.

I closed my eyes from the darkness of the room, feeling Alice's shallow breathing on one side and hearing the small thump of music coming from Edward's room on the other side. I turned to face the wall and placed my palm against it before I drifted off to sleep.

***

Alice and I drove to school in her car, with Edward leaving right behind us in his. My eyes kept darting to the side mirror of the car, continuously checking to see if he was ok. I couldn't explain why I kept wanting to be sure of his safety. I just knew that it kept growing. Maybe it was the sad, lost look in his eyes. Maybe it was the way that it seemed that nobody understood him. It was becoming harder to fight off.

We parked at the school, Edward parking to the right of us, as usual. I opened the car door right as Edward started to extend his and we almost slammed the doors into each other. I quickly jerked mine back, pinning myself against the car.

"I'm sorry!" I blurted out.

He stood, holding the corner of his car door and stared into my eyes. He rarely looked up at me, let alone straight into my eyes. I was frozen, lost in the intense gaze of his and the pain that I could see written behind the piercing green. We stood, lost in the passing minutes, looking at each other, until Alice came over to my side. Him with a look of wonder and confusion. Me with complete amazement at his actions.

"Are you going to let the poor woman through, Edward? Jesus, you would think you don't have any manners. You have her pinned up against my car, you idiot."

I cringed at her harsh words as I studied Edward's face. His eyes swiftly went away from mine as he shut his door, gave me a small nod of his head and quietly walked away. I watched his retreating back as he kept his head down towards the ground and walked to the school.

"You didn't have to be so rude, Alice," I nearly hissed at her as I continued to watch him walk away.

She grabbed my arm and moved me from the car, shutting the door behind me. "Well, that was just rude. Just because he walks around acting weird and being a druggie, that doesn't give him the right to be that way to you."

"He didn't do anything," I sighed out as I pushed past her and walked towards school.

"Ok, ok...I don't know why you're defending him, but whatever. I mean, seriously, he's got some fucking problems," she replied as she ran up to my side.

My head whipped around to hers and without thinking I blurted out, "God Alice, lay the fuck off of him."

Her feet paused on the pavement as she stared at me with wide eyes. I turned away from her and continued to walk to my first class.

We walked in silence, the morning already causing an uncomfortable feeling between us. We had never fought before, but I found myself actually wanting to hit her for once. I was tired of her attitude towards her own brother. It still made me feel sad that we had a small fight, but enough was enough.

We sat together in first period in continued silence, instead of our normal banter and joking around. We gave each other a small smile as we parted after class, but no words were spoken.

The next three classes I had by myself and I found my thoughts coming back to Edward, no matter how hard I tried to concentrate on the teacher's droning voices. He made my palms sweat, my head feel fuzzy and my heart feel so lost. I was becoming angry at myself for having a man that I have rarely spoken to, affect me this much. But I felt like we had a connection somehow. He was nothing like me, but I felt a pull to be wherever he was.

Lunch came and Alice and I sat next to each other, yet still not really speaking to one another. Part of me wanted to apologize so that we could be better, but I didn't really feel sorry. I felt that if I apologized then, in a way, it would be like betraying Edward.

She was mostly turned to the other side, talking to Jasper for the whole lunch period. It hurt, but it also gave me time to periodically glance acroos the table at Edward, without having to worry about getting caught.

I tore off little pieces of my PBJ sandwich as I tried to read a book. With every little bite that I took, I also stole another glance at Edward. At one point, I caught his eyes staring at my hands tearing off another small chunk of bread. My movements stopped and his eyes met mine. The corner of his mouth lifted up, giving me a crooked, half way smile. I couldn't stop the huge smile that formed across my lips. His spread into a bigger smile and I looked back down at my book, feeling unsure of myself and what to do. I tried not to show how my breathing accelerated and how my fingers shook a little as I turned the pages. I could feel that he was still staring at me as I pretended to read the words written in my book.

The bell rang shortly after, saving me from whatever embarrassment I could put myself in. I looked away from my book to give one last look at Edward, but he was already gone.

The next class was Biology and we were lab partners, randomly placed together by our teacher. I walked into class, trying not to look up at him. I fixated my eyes on the floor and nearly stumbled over the leg of my chair as I tried to sit down next to him. I placed my books on the lab table and flipped the pages of my biology book open, trying to find something to do. Our teacher wasn't in the class yet and I didn't know what else to do with myself, besides sitting awkwardly, staring at the black board.

I wanted Edward to know that I didn't share the same opinions about him as his sister did. I didn't want him to think that I was another asshole who couldn't understand him. Another person who seemed to think that he was a waste of time or a weirdo.

"I'm sorry about what Alice said," I whispered out to the front of the room and then instantly cringed.

I looked down at my hands folded across the table. Maybe he didn't hear me, that's a good thing. Another minute passed as I picked at my fingernails in silence.

"It's fine, I'm used to it," he softly replied, making my shoulders jump a little. "I should be the one saying sorry to you."

I tilted my head to him, trying to hid part of my face with my hair. His eyes seemed red again, almost glassy. Like he had been crying, but different. He had a piece of paper between his hands and was shredding it into small pieces, making designs on the table with them.

I watched his fingers as he shredded more paper. "No, really, you didn't do anything wrong. Alice was just being a bitch, I guess." I was shocked by my own words. I never would have thought I would ever call Alice a bitch.

He shrugged his shoulders and pushed his index finger on the table as he moved around a few more pieces of paper. I continued to watch his fingers shift around, making a shape of a face. Eyes slowly forming, followed by a nose.

We sat quietly, both staring at his hands. I didn't know what else to say, so I watched him, waiting for any words of response to what I had said. His long fingers continued to move, pressing the pads of them down to form a mouth and then shredding smaller pieces to place eyelashes above the eyes.

All of the sudden his hands stopped and I thought he was going to finally say something. Instead, his hand dropped the piece of paper and forcefully pressed down on the table. His other hand moved and clutched on to the edge of his chair, his tight fist making his knuckles pure white. I noticed little gasping noises and looked over at him, confused. His throat was contracting, making horrible choking sounds as he struggled for air.

"Edward," I cried out, frozen in shock. "What's wrong?"

My eyes instantly scanned over him, looking for any signs of what could be wrong as he kept attempting to breathe. His body was tense, his back straight as he kept a forceful grip on the edge of his chair. His other hand started to smack down on the table, making a loud banging sound echo off the walls of the classroom. The other kids in the class stopped talking and started to look over at us in confusion.

Edward started convulsing, his arms shaking wildly and his body jerking as he made a dry heaving sound. He hit the back of his chair and it fell to the ground with a loud crash. His head bounced off of the floor, making a sickeningly hollow sound. I could hear people gasping as I flew to the ground and grabbed his trembling hands. He looked in my eyes, his mouth hanging open as he tried to speak. His eyes were pleading with me, looking almost apologetic.

Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to hold his hands down, vainly hoping that it would somehow stop all of this. That it could make it all go away, make him better. My hands flew up to his cheeks, holding his head as it shook between my palms. My tears fell on his shirt as I cried out to him and asked what I could do to help. I would do anything to make it go away. His eyes started to roll back in his head, after giving me one last look of help. The beautiful green of his eyes were almost completely hidden under his eyelids as he continued to writhe underneath me.

I became vaguely aware of someone's hands jerking me backwards. The chatter of everyone's voices in the background, a distant annoying hum. The only sounds coming through were Edward's choking and my own sobbing as I repeated his name over and over.

* * *

**AN**

******

**So, yeah, tough times are ahead :)**

**I promised a shout out for my muse to Alice's obsession over Jasper. Because this chick is probably more in love with Jasper then his own girlfriend. haha **

**Allysue(also Allysue08)...that was for you, babe :)**

**This chap is shorter then I wanted (5.5k) but it is where I wanted to leave it at. Other chapters will be longer.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest**

**Name of Story: Sober**

**Pen Name: Corinne 22**

**Song story is inspired by: Sober**

**Artist: Tool**

**Category: Newbie**

**Main pairing: Bella and Edward**

**POV: Bella and Edward**

***********

There's a shadow just behind me,  
shrouding every step I take,  
making every promise empty,  
pointing every finger at me.  
Waiting like a stalking butler  
who upon the finger rests.  
Murder now the pattern must we,  
just because the son has come?  
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle  
something but the past and done?  
Jesus, wont you fucking whistle  
something but the past endured?

Why can't we not be sober?  
I Just want to start this over.  
And why can't we drink forever?  
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.  
I am just an imbecile.  
I will only complicate you.  
Trust in me and fall as well.  
I will find a center in you.  
I will chew it up and leave,  
I will work to elevate you  
just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary won't you whisper  
something but what's past and done.  
Mother Mary won't you whisper  
something but what's past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?  
I Just want to start this over.  
Ah, why can't we sleep forever?  
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.  
I am just an imbecile.  
I will only complicate you.  
Trust in me and fall as well.  
I will find a center in you.  
I will chew it up and leave,  
Trust me, trust me, trust me,  
trust me, and trust me

Why can't we not be sober?  
Just want to start this over.  
Why can't we sleep forever?  
Just want to start this over.

I want what I want, I want what  
I want, I want what I want, I want  
what I want

**Disclaimer: SM owns all character and Tool owns the song, along with my soul :) lol**

**Go to: www(dot)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com for all other entries please :)**

* * *

Someone was shaking me. My eyes didn't want to focus. The tears wouldn't stop long enough for them to be able to. I looked for a blurry form of Edward and panicked when I didn't see him. My mind was too busy trying to not completely lose it that I hadn't noticed someone moving him. The shaking continued and I tried to divert my eyes from the spot that was now painfully void of Edward's body.

"Bella! Did you hear me?"

It was our biology teacher, Mr. Banner.

"Bella!" he screamed even louder. The smell of his coffee breath hit the side of my face as he shook me harder, causing my head to shake back and forth.

Everything in me snapped. I was afraid I was about to lose the man I loved and he didn't even know I loved him.

"What?" I screamed back into his face. My head swiveled around to meet his, our nose almost touching, my hands digging into my scalp and my eyes wide with panic.

He fell back a foot, almost falling over from his crouching position.

"You...You're friends with him, right?" he stumbled out, unsure of words.

I numbly nodded my head. Friends. You couldn't call us that. More of an acquaintance, barely, teamed with an unrequited love to never come to fruition. Definitely not friends, though. But, I had to answer yes. Saying no might mean I wouldn't have permission to any facts of finding out what was wrong with him.

Mr. Banner roughly grabbed my arm and yanked my almost limp body up to stand. "You're going with me then. We are taking him to the nurse. You can answer some questions for her while they try to find out what's wrong with him and I try to get a hold of his parents."

"Alice," I blurted out while I tried to shuffle my feet fast enough down the hall to keep up with him.

"Fine, yes...I'll find out where she is too," he said over his shoulder, waving me off.

I had to try hard not to hit him or yell at him for being so inconsiderate. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that if I did then he wouldn't let me in to see Edward. Instead, I glowered at the back of his head as I continued to try to keep up.

When we reached the nurse's station, I caught a brief glance of Edward and immediately pushed Mr. Banner out of my way and rushed to his side. The nurse was frantic as she kept running in and out of the room, mumbling something about needing to find smelling salts.

I grabbed Edward's hand, holding on to his fingers so tightly that the tips were tinted blue. I searched his face for some sign of hope, a flutter of his pale eyelids that were partially covered by his fallen hair or a twitch of his fingers in between mine. I watched the rise and fall of his chest. His breathing seemed normal and I could see his black T-shirt moving slightly with every heartbeat. The fluorescent lighting made him look so much more pale, almost a sick color of green. A light sheen of sweat covered his forehead.

I noticed I was left alone in the room as the nurse was looking around in her cabinet and Mr. Banner was calling his parents. I glanced at the door and seized the moment to raise my other hand and brush his hair off of his forehead. My hand lingered, pressed against his scalp. His copper highlighted strands tangled between my fingers as I paused at the spot where the back of his head met the cheap, dark brown table that he laid on.

This was the first time I was ever left alone with him. The first time I could ever let my guard down, no matter how brief the moment was. My eyes shown with all of the feelings that I kept hidden deep inside as I stared down at him. My chest hurt out of fear. I didn't know if I would ever have this chance again. What if something was seriously wrong and he never came back? What if everything was ok and when he woke up he continued to push me away? Either way, this was my rare chance. My only chance.

My eyes looked over at the door one more time as I listened for any approaching steps, any signs that someone was coming back. I only heard Mr. Banner's voice travel down the small hallway. I darted my eyes back to Edward and removed my hand from his tangled mess of hair to lay it on his right cheek. A single tear rolled down my cheek, traveled down to my chin and dangled minutely before it fell on his shirt, causing a little dark spot to appear.

I inhaled deeply and bent down to place my left cheek against his. My lips brushed lightly across the bottom of his ear. I breathed him in, relishing in his scent of soap, laundry detergent and him. I could also smell a hint of cigarette smoke. I didn't know that he smoked. The smell made my body tense out of thought that maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was from somebody else who did smoke that he spent time being close to.

I tried to push those thoughts out of my head. This one moment was my time. I didn't care what reality is, this was mine. I licked my lips, causing them to touch his ear once again. I leaned my cheek harder against his and closed my eyes as the tight feeling in my chest grew.

"I love you," I whispered in to his ear. "No matter what, I love you. I don't care if you don't love me back. I don't care if tomorrow you forget my name or who I am. I don't care if you only think of me as your sister's stupid friend, I will always love you."

I pressed the side of my face against his once more as I heard steps echoing closer from the hall. His slight stubble burned my skin as my face rubbed his on the way back up. I hastily retracted my hand from his cheek as the nurse came back in.

"Has he moved or anything?" she asked me while facing the counter to mess around with some bottles. When I didn't answer right away she looked at me over her shoulder, raising her eyebrows in question.

I weakly shook my head and looked back at Edward.

"Excuse me," she said almost rudely from behind me.

I stepped over to the side and watched her as she lifted up Edward's head and stuck something under his nose.

"Come on," she kept repeating as she passed the little bottle from side to side.

She looked at me over her shoulder again. "Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. Do you know what happened? Did he take anything?"

"He just started shaking, then fell back and hit his head and then passed out." My eyes kept anxiously going back and forth between him and the nurse as I relayed what had happened.

She rolled her eyes at me, shrugged her shoulders and turned back to Edward.

Minutes seemed like hours as we waited. She kept on passing the bottle under his nose as I kept a tight hold around my chest with one of my arms and chewed on my fingernails. I kept staring at the tiny dark spot on his shirt as it slowly started to disappear.

A small grunting sound filled the room, followed by labored breathing. My heart nearly stopped as I watched him. I was grateful that he seemed to be ok but, at the same time, I was afraid of him finding me here. His eyelids began to move, the veins that stretched out across them looked so purple against his pale skin. His forehead was wrinkled as he tried to blink his eyes open. He pushed both of his hands on the surface of the table to brace himself to sit up. As soon as he was half way up to sitting he fell back against the table. His hands were holding his head as he curled on his side, in a fetal position, a groaned loudly at the pain.

"Stay down Edward. I wouldn't advise you to get up just yet," the nurse said as she placed a hand on his shoulder. I shot daggers at her hand touching him. "You seemed to have hit your head pretty hard. Can you tell me what happened?"

She pulled a chair up to the table to sit in so she was at eye level with him. I shrunk back in the other chair that was against the wall and brought my feet to the seat to hug my knees to my chest as I quietly watched them.

"No," he grunted out, the sound of his voice making him wince in pain and shout out many cuss words to follow.

She sighed loudly into the room. "Edward, have you taken anything? Are you on any drugs right now?"

His body grew stiff and he jerked up to a sitting position, clutching on to the back of his head the whole time.

"No!" he shouted. The anger in his voice caused me to slouch down even further in the chair. He blinked his eyes a few more times before finally opening them.

That's when he noticed me.

His face seemed to go through many emotions before finally settling on what looked like anger.

"What is she doing here?" he seemed to almost seethe out as he narrowed his eyes at me, still holding his head.

It didn't escape my notice that he wasn't directing the question at me, but anyone else who could be in the room.

"Well," the nurse spoke up as she stood to feel around the back of his skull. "She was worried about you and since you guys are friends, I guess Mr. Banner brought her along."

He half snorted at her statement before wincing and jerking his head away from her touch.

"Edward," she sighed out. "You have to let me look at it. You might have a concussion."

"I'm fine," he shouted out. "My dad's a doctor, I can have him look at it for me."

He stood up, grabbing the edge of the table for support and briefly closed his eyes to concentrate on his balance before trying to take a step forward.

"I wouldn't do that, if I were you," Mr. Banner spoke up as he rounded the corner and stood in the doorway with his arms folded.

"Well, you're not me, so leave me the fuck alone." Edward straightened his back, like he was daring our teacher to challenge him.

Mr. Banner's eyes flashed over to me for a second and he nodded his head in my direction before responding. "Bella is driving you home. You don't have to stay at school for the rest of the day, but you are in no condition to drive."

"Like hell she will."

My eyes kept going back and forth between them, my mouth wide open in shock. Did I not have any say in this?

"I can have Alice take me," Edward spat out before trying to reach for his jacket that the nurse laid on the corner of the counter.

Mr. Banner shook his head and stood his ground. "No, she can't. We can't find her. Apparently she has skipped fourth period, another thing I'll have to deal with here in a minute. Another teacher reported Jasper missing too, so I guess they left together."

Edward leaned back against the counter, laid his jacket over his forearm and rubbed his face with both of his hands. "What about my parents?" he sighed in between his fingers.

"Can't reach them either. Your dad is in the middle of surgery and nobody is answering at your house."

"Jesus," Edward sighed in frustration, dropping his hands from his face to slap down on his thighs.

I had enough of watching as the quiet bystander, of being dismissed and openly the butt of Edward's disgust.

"Ok," I blurted out, slapping my hands on the arms of the chair and putting my feet on the floor. "I've had enough of this. Edward, you find your own damn ride."

I tried to dodge around Mr. Banner but his arm instantly shot out to block me from the hallway.

"Yeah, I don't think so. See, here's the thing. If you guys don't want to listen to me then you can go ahead and get two weeks of detention. Do I make myself clear?"

My shoulders slumped down in defeat and I stared down at the floor as I stretched out my right arm. "Give me your keys Edward."

I could see him out of the corner of my eye, standing at the counter with his arms folded across his chest.

"Edward! I'm not going to get detention, my dad would kill me. Give me your damn keys and let's go."

How could I love someone so much that seemed like such an asshole? How could I have been confessing my love to him only ten minutes ago and now seething with anger? I was willing to knock him the fuck out just to make him shut up now.

He reluctantly handed over the keys, almost too forcefully as his hand slapped mine and the keys tug into the palm of my hand. I looked up at Mr. Banner, waiting for him to move. He didn't budge.

"I want you to take him straight to the hospital, do you hear me?"

I nodded and he finally moved his arm to let us pass.

I never looked back to see if Edward was following. I just kept walking faster and faster through the nurse's station door, through the school double doors and straight through the parking lot to his car. When I reached the car, I unlocked it and jumped in, started it up and waited for him with my hands on the wheel. I had to try to catch my breath, both out of anger and out of trying to stubbornly walk so fast ahead of him. I didn't care right now if he needed my help. Assholes didn't deserve my help.

I didn't look at him as the passenger side door opened and he made his way inside of the car.

"You're not taking me to the hospital," he said with finality.

"Hell yeah I'm taking you there. I told you, I don't feel like getting detention any time soon."

I threw the car in reverse and deftly backed out of the parking space and sped through the parking lot.

"You should put your seat belt on," he said quietly.

Was he fucking kidding me here? "You should put your fucking seat belt on," I said with an empty laugh. "You're the one who might have a concussion, not me. Besides, it's not like you really fucking care anyways, so don't act like you do for once in your life."

I continued to speed down the street, jerking the car around every corner, making his head jolt around with the force of the car. I almost smiled at the fact that I might be causing him pain.

"I was serious," he mumbled out after a few moments of silence.

"Edward," I sighed out, gripping the steering wheel even harder. "My dad is a fucking cop, he would kill me if I got in trouble. Don't make me have to go through that."

He groaned out loud and ran his fingers through his hair before feeling the back of his head. "How about I promise to call my dad later and have him look at it. Is that good enough for you?"

I continued to stare at the road, knuckles white on the wheel and my jaw clenched.

"Please?" he whispered out in what seemed like sincerity.

I chanced a quick glance at him and almost missed a turn.

"Put on your seat belt," he said a little louder.

I knew I was pulling something childish, but I didn't want to put it on, just because he wanted me to. Who was he to tell me what to do?

"It's either I take you home or I put on my seat belt. Your call, man."

I had to fight back a smile as he sighed out again and stared hard at the side of my face.

"I didn't know you could be so stubborn and difficult, Bella."

"And I didn't know you could be so much of an asshole, Edward," I quickly replied with another look over at him, narrowing my eyes at his.

He leaned back against the seat and covered his face. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

"Yeah, I know. Not my doing, Edward. That's all on you. You don't let me," I replied almost in anger as I made a sharp turn up to their long driveway.

"Shit!" I screamed with realization as I hit the wheel with the palm of my hand, making him jump up.

"What?" he asked with eyes wide open.

"I just realized something. How am I going to get home? You can't drive me and I'm not going to call my dad."

He leaned back in his chair and returned to covering his face back up. "Jesus, Bella. You scared the crap out of me. It's no big deal, just wait here until Alice gets home. I'm sure she won't care to take you."

My stomach lurched with my nerves as I thought about having to be stuck alone in the house with him for two more hours.

"Where's your mom?" I almost squeaked out as I had to swallow hard at the feeling rising up in my throat.

"At another fancy get together, as usual." He waved his hand around in the air before returning it to his head. "What else is new? They're rarely ever here anymore. Those meetings are more important to them then their own kids."

"I don't think that's true," I replied weakly. Sure, they always seemed busy, but it seemed to me that they actually cared a lot about their family.

He dropped his hands to his lap and looked hard at the side of my face. "You just really don't get it, do you?"

I parked in his usual parking spot and timidly looked back over at him, all anger seeming to have disappeared with my self-consciousness.

"What?" I asked, looking back over at him.

He rolled his eyes and looked away to open his door. "Nothing," he mumbled out.

I watched him, with my mouth hung open before I quickly opened up my own door and followed.

I stood behind him in silence as I watched him unlock the door that lead to the kitchen. I watched his shoulder muscles flex under his shirt as he turned the door knob before stepping in to the house and throwing his jacket on the back of a chair. I quietly shut the door behind me and awkwardly stood with my back pressed against it, unsure of what I should do.

He started to walk over to the stairs and placed his hand against the railing as he made his way up.

"Are you coming or not?" he asked in a harsh tone, never stopping his stride.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Instead I forced my feet to move and follow him up the stairs, unsure of where I was going to, exactly. I followed him up three flights, watching his feet as he stomped his way up the stairs. He continued to walk to the last door at the end of the hallway. My feet slowed as I neared what I knew was his room. I paused at the door, placed my hand gently on it and looked in. I didn't step a foot inside yet as I watched him make his way around his bed, sit on the edge of it and bend over.

He looked over his shoulder at me, still hunched over. "You can come in, you know. Don't just stand there."

I looked around the room for a chair or something to sit in, but there was only the bed. I sighed out at the irony of the situation.

I ran my hand down the door before I slowly stepped in to his room and made the six steps over to his bed. The mattress sank down as I placed my hands on the edge of the bed and sat as far away from him as possible.

I heard him messing around with something at the side of the bed and glanced over at him. I heard the familiar sound of pills bouncing around in a bottle as he sat up. He kicked his foot out and I heard what sounded like a small metal door slam shut from the force of his kick. He rubbed the back of his head again before moving up on the bed and placing his back against the head board.

"Are you feeling ok?" I genuinely asked while watching his palm press against the lid of the bottle and turn. Now that we were alone in the quietness of his room, all of the anger seemed like so long ago.

His eyebrows pushed together in thought before popping a few pills in his mouth and replacing the lid. "Yeah, I guess. I'll be fine, though. No big deal," he shrugged.

I heard the loud crunching sound as he chewed them and swallowed before moving his tongue around his mouth to rinse out the remaining bits.

I cringed. "Ew. Doesn't that taste like crap?"

He looked over at me and laughed before placing the bottle on his end table and relaxing back against his headboard. I guess that was supposed to be my answer.

"Sit back."

I looked down at my wringing hands in my lap and hesitantly placed them on the bed to scoot back to where he was. We both sat up against the headboard at each side of the bed. My body was so close to the edge that I thought I might fall off, but I wasn't willing to move any closer.

"So," I spoke up as I placed my hands back in my lap and watched them. "Are you going to tell me what's up with what happened earlier?"

He slid his back down the cherry stained wood and placed a pillow behind his head. I'm assuming to help ease the pain of the pressure against the hard surface.

"Can I trust you to not go running to my sister and tell her everything?"

I raised my head up and looked over at him, meeting his eyes. "I promise. Whatever you tell me will always be kept between us."

I guess he saw the truth and seriousness in my face because he nodded his head once and continued.

"I haven't eaten much in about a week and haven't been sleeping well for awhile, so I guess it all just caught up with me," he answered with a shrug before looking away.

Silence hung in the air, his words suspended and leaving only more questions in my head.

"Why not?" I whispered out, looking back at my hands.

I felt the shift of the mattress as he sunk further down on the bed.

"Long story," he replied, signaling that was all he wanted to say about it.

The silence that followed only helped to fuel my curiosity, leaving me with time to think.

I started to chew on my fingernail out of nervousness. "I'm willing to listen," I almost muttered around my finger and raised my eyebrows up at him.

He looked over at me again and focused on my eyes for what seemed like minutes. I was unwilling to back down. Somehow I was sitting on his bed with him, where I had wanted to be for so long. Somehow he was opened a little to me and I didn't want that moment to go just yet.

He leaned over on his side, propping himself up with his elbow, and kept his penetrating gaze locked to my eyes.

"I will only complicate you, Bella. Believe me, you don't want to know what goes on inside of my head."

I turned to face him, mimicking his movement, a mirror to his body. I narrowed my eyes at him and somewhere deep inside, in a place I never knew existed, I found the courage to speak up and say the truth.

"I don't care," I answered in a hushed voice, afraid the sound would seem so loud in the silence of the house. "You don't know what goes on inside of my head, Edward. You have no clue to what I think about you or how I feel. You're too busy pushing me away and ignoring me to know anything. So don't tell me what I want to know and what I don't want to know."

He opened his mouth to speak, waited a moment and then shut it again. His eyes left mine and he leaned back against his pillow and draped his arm across his eyes.

"I have to, Bella"

I moved further down the bed and propped my head up with my hand, still facing him on my side and watching him.

"You have to do what?"

"Push you away," he sighed out. "If I don't then I could ruin you. I'm afraid I would kill off what's innocent about you and I don't think I could handle doing that to you."

I instantly felt anger creep back up inside of me. "What? You think I'm naive and stupid? You don't know me, a fault of your own, by the way. So don't go around assuming you know shit."

He pulled his arm away and turned his head back around to look at me. "You don't get it. I like you. I like the way you are. I can't change that. If I let you get any closer to me then you would somehow, at some point, be changed by me." His voice was shaky and his eyes shone with the fear that backed up his words. "I'm not good for you, Bella. I probably never will be. I can't let you know me because then it will hurt too much when you decide to leave one day. You will become fed up with me, get tired of everything about me and you will leave. And through all of that, I will somehow ruin you. I will ruin what makes you beautiful and special. I'll ruin what makes you you."

With his last words, he turned his head back around and stared up at the ceiling.

My heart beat at such a fast speed that it actually hurt my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes with every word that he spoke, threatening to teeter over the edge. I had no words to say, nothing that could match what I felt in my heart. No words in this world, in any language, could ever amount to what I needed to convey to him. To make his fears subside. To show him how strong my feelings were for him. How I want him to swallow me whole.

I raised my head off of my hand and rolled over to my stomach to stretch my arm out across the space that divided us on his bed. The blanket felt cold with every inch that my fingers crept towards him. The tips of my fingers twitched near the side of his head, the space where his flesh met the nape of his neck. I touched him gently, almost like a whisper of air that passed over his skin. His eyes closed and he clenched his jaw tightly.

I forced myself into a fake sense of bravery and shifted my whole body a couple of inches closer to him. I pressed the pads of my fingers harder against his skin and moved them up to embed my fingers in his hair. I watched his face, his eyes as they lightly moved under thin skin, his lips as he licked them before letting out a soft sigh. I ran my fingers through his hair in the opposite direction then I did hours earlier when he laid on the table unconscious and I feared that I would lose him.

His hand lifted up and grabbed my wrist, ceasing any movements. It was only then that I realized how labored my breathing was or how loud my heart was beating. I had concentrated so much on him that I seemed to cease to exist in this world. All that mattered was him in this moment.

"I'm serious," he whispered almost inaudibly over my heart beat, never opening his eyes, never turning his head. "I care about you too much to bring you down with me. I've felt this way for too long, but this is mine to carry. You would be better off without me."

His fingers felt warm, constricted across the bones of my wrist. I wanted more of that feeling. I don't know how this conversation ended up here so fast, how we became so much closer within about an hour of time. I wasn't sure of anything anymore. I was only sure of him and how close I needed us to be, how close I felt to getting what I always thought I needed.

I moved one more inch closer to him, feeling the warmth of his arm radiating against mine and secretly begging that he felt this too.

"I want you to ruin me, Edward," I whispered back to him, purposely speaking close to his fingers that contained my wrist so that he could feel my breath as I spoke the words. "I want you to ruin me because, even if you do, I can always know that it was you who changed me. That somewhere, deep inside, I hold a part of you. I don't care if it's good or if it's bad. If I'm changed then I want it to be from the cause of your hands."

His grip tightened almost painfully on my wrist and he squeezed his eyes shut before turning to face me. His eyes seemed darker, his lips so close to my arm as it laid between our faces, almost obscuring his view.

"You don't know what you ask of me."

"Let me find out for myself. Let me learn," I replied back with a slight quivering in my voice.

He gave a resigning sigh and closed his eyes again, pushing his eyebrows together, causing those little wrinkles to appear on his forehead. "Don't tell you I didn't warn you," he replied gravely, opening his eyes again to look over my face.

"I won't." I mouthed the words to him, moving my body closer to lay beside him, trying to make his body warm me up from the sudden chill that seeped through my body.

He let go of my wrist and turned to face me. His eyes seemed pensive as he looked back and forth between my lips and my eyes, the wrinkle in his forehead still prominent.

"You don't know how long I've waited for this," he sighed out as he tightened his arm around me, pulling me closer to his warmth.

I could only nod as I laid in his strong embrace. Tears began to unwillingly fall, rolling across my nose to the other side of my face and hitting his pillow.

He moved his hand under my head and lifted it up to be able to wipe the tears away with his other hand. "See? I've already made you cry."

"It's not from sadness, you asshole," I said as I laughed through my tears.

But he wasn't laughing with me. Instead he was looking at me with a pained expression on his face. I stopped my laughter and looked back at him, confused.

"What?" I whispered out to him.

His hand stopped the attempt of wiping away my tears and he pressed his hand around my cheek as he shook his head. We looked at each other in silence, me enjoying the closeness and him with that same look on his face. He moved closer, keeping his eyes on mine, his head still shaking barely side to side. I could now feel his breath against my nose, could almost taste his scent.

I heard him mumble out something to himself and, before I could ask, his lips were on mine. My face was cradled firmly between his hands as his lips pressed against my own. I kept my eyes open and watched him as he kissed me. I saw the intensity in his gaze, a storm of emotions brewing that he held back. He shut his eyes as his hold became harder and his lips became more frantic. I moved my hand to the back of his head, closed my eyes with him and pulled him closer. Our faces were pushed together so hard that it almost hurt and I was panting into his mouth as he kept pulling away to only crash back down into me.

His body was now flushed against my own as we continued to lay side by side. The damn was broken. All of the feelings I ever had about him was now rushing through, pouring into that kiss. Rejection, anger, sadness, hopelessness, love, happiness, hope, comfort. All of them mixed into one, no certain emotion to shove through. I surge of affection to push the tears back through and cause his cheeks to become wet as they pressed against my own with the force of his own desire.

He pulled back abruptly and laid his forehead against mine. His eyelids were still closed tightly, wrinkled with the effort of his force. He was breathing heavily against my face, causing loose strands of my hair to move around my cheeks and make it get stuck in the moisture of my tears. My lips almost ached at the loss of his skin pressed against it. His hands slid from the side of my face and up in my hair, curling around his fingers as he clenched them in a fist. My eyes closed at the pleasure of his hands as he tugged on my hair and pulled my face to his to kiss me one more time.

He pulled back and we opened our eyes to look at each other while we tried to catch our breath.

"I have to stop."

"Why?" I almost whimpered out.

His hands tightened in my hair again as he looked away. "I have to be careful with you. I can't hurt you."

I cupped his chin with my hand and forced his face back over in my direction. "I'm not breakable, you don't have to worry so much. I want this. I want you," I said as my fingers dug into the sides of chin so maybe he would finally see the meaning behind it. "I've dreamed of this. I'm not willing to let it go or have you tamper it with stupid fears that you have no right to have."

I loosened my hold of his chin and slid my hand down to lay it across the side of his neck. He breathed in deeply and I could feel his pulse minutely quicken from the vein that pressed against my palm.

He gave a low, almost dark laugh before it was interrupted by the sound of a car door shutting.

"Shit," he mumbled out and jumped off the bed to grab his medicine bottle. "If my sister asks whenever she gets home, just tell her you had to give me ride. Don't give her any other details, leave that up to me."

He opened the bottle and poured out two more pills in his palm. I watched his frantic movements, stunned and feeling the cold set back in from the loss of his body against mine. He slammed the two pills in his mouth and loudly chewed them up as he put them back to wherever he kept them on the other side of the bed.

"Sit up," he hastily said and I obeyed, confused by his sudden change of mood.

He walked over to the window and moved the curtain.

"It's Alice. She's probably pretty pissed off. Be prepared."

I had to laugh at his nervousness. "Alice? Don't worry, I can handle her."

He sat down at the edge of the foot of the bed, with his back stiff and facing towards me. "I think we should keep this from her."

I sat, frozen in silence, hurt by his words.

He angled his body a little towards me. "For now," he blurted out. "Trust me, it's for the best. Just for now."

Tears threaten to surface again and I angrily forced them back down. I nodded my head and curled my legs up to my chest and hugged them.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair as his shoulders slumped. "It's not like that, Bella. Just please trust me."

I nodded again, determined to keep the pain hidden from my face and stood up to leave his room to meet her at the stairs.

* * *

**AN**

******

**The next chap is going to be mostly in Ed's POV and Bella has lots of questions for him...**


	3. Chapter 3

Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest

Name of Story: Sober

Pen Name: Corinne 22

Song story is inspired by: Sober

Artist: Tool

Category: Newbie

Main pairing: Bella and Edward

POV: Bella and Edward

*******

There's a shadow just behind me,

shrouding every step I take,

making every promise empty,

pointing every finger at me.

Waiting like a stalking butler

who upon the finger rests.

Murder now the pattern must we,

just because the son has come?

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

something but the past and done?

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle

something but the past endured?

Why can't we not be sober?

I Just want to start this over.

And why can't we drink forever?

I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

I will work to elevate you

just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary won't you whisper

something but what's past and done.

Mother Mary won't you whisper

something but what's past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?

I Just want to start this over.

Ah, why can't we sleep forever?

I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

Trust me, trust me, trust me,

trust me, and trust me

Why can't we not be sober?

Just want to start this over.

Why can't we sleep forever?

Just want to start this over.

I want what I want, I want what

I want, I want what I want, I want

what I want

Disclaimer: SM owns all character and Tool owns the song, along with my soul :) lol

Go to: www(dot)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com for all other entries please :)

* * *

**EPOV**

*******

The soft click of my bedroom door closing tugged at my heart. I knew that it had hurt her and that she was trying to keep the hurt from me. I would know that face anywhere. I have watched her for so long now that I knew every expression on her face. I knew how her eyes lit up when she was excited. I knew when she was being selfless and doing something just to make someone happy. I knew when she looked at me, the hidden questions in her mind. That tugging of her heart that she also felt growing throughout the years. But I also knew how I could make those beautiful eyes of her's vacant. Void of emotion and turn into me. I knew what damage I could do and the light that I could kill deep inside of her.

It killed me to watch the pain and fear in her eyes as I laid on the cold tile. I felt defeated and ashamed. Even through my fuzzy thoughts and confused state of mind, her pain rang through, louder then mine. Calling to me and begging me to make it all end. And I wanted to. I wanted to end it all for her or to make it where she was never in the room and none of this ever happened for her to witness. Her, of all people, had to witness it.

When I woke up, my own fears were heightened. Seeing her in the nurse's room, knowing that she had followed me in here. I should have known that she would. She was too caring not to follow me. Everything inside of me screamed to fight with her, to chase her away. While my body screamed to hold her in comfort and thanks that she seemed to care enough to forget what anybody else would think and stay by my side.

I had longed to hear the words that she spoke to me. Sprawled out on my bed, a dream I had always had. I was selfish, I knew that. But when she looked at me, with those eyes and the determined look upon her face, how could I deny her any longer? Maybe I was doing it all for me, making myself believe that I was doing it for her. I had always chosen myself over others. But, with her, I was willing to step back for once. Make her my priority, my number one.

I felt conflicted, torn. I had stayed away for so long, knowing the damage I would cause. But I couldn't hold back any longer. I wanted it. I fought it with everything in me. I knew it would mess her up. But, damn it, I wanted it.

I heard the murmurs of their voices outside of my bedroom door and laid back against my bed, concentrating, trying to make out any of the words that were spoken. I couldn't hear anything that sounded like anger or disappointment. When it came to Alice, I knew that she would try to pull Bella away from me. That's why I needed to keep this a secret. I had finally succumbed to the pressures of my wants and needs to pull her close to me. I couldn't have Alice take that away from me so soon.

Alice and I had grown apart through the years. What used to be a close, tight relationship has now turned into her glares of distrust and disgust. The last one of my family to shut me out and the one that I least expected. She loved Bella in a way that she no longer loved me. She would take it all away. Someone who had once backed me up, no matter how rough times would be, would now turn her back on me and speak of things against me. She felt like she had to protect Bella from me. She may be right.

But I was willing to fight everything bad within me to become better for her. I wanted to be better for her. I wanted to make her eyes shine in a way that nobody else could. I wanted to make her happy and never see the pain that I saw in her eyes today at school. I don't think I could handle it if I had been the cause of that pain again.

The sounds of their voices called to me, now muffled by the wall that separated us. The pull felt so much stronger now that I knew what she thought, how her skin felt pressed against mine. The soft rise and fall of her chest as she talked of words that I never thought I would ever here.

I pressed my hand to the wall, between the wooden slots of my headboard, willing to feel her. Hoping that she knew how I longed for her in this moment, not thinking of any of the pain that I had caused her. I was afraid that it was the first of many times that I would cause that look in her eyes. I closed my eyes tighter and put forth all of my energy, to pierce through molecules and into her conscious.

My head still had a searing pain. Stabbing me in the back of my skull and reminding me of her fear. I tried to chase away the pain from my fall and the memory of her looking so helpless and lost by swallowing a few more pills.

I looked down at the small, orange tinted bottle in my hand and felt disgusted with myself. I was no better then her father. Taking drugs and chasing away the feelings. I vowed then to quit, for her. I couldn't stand the fact that her father was secretly betraying her. She needed someone to count on, someone to hold her tight and make her feel safe. I wanted to be that person for her. She had Alice, but I could do so much better then she could.

But, for now, I'll take the pills. My head hurt too badly not to and I refused to have my dad look at it. He hated me enough, I didn't need to add on another reason. I realized that I lied to Bella, as I carefully hid my bottle and laid back down on the bed. First lie already and the relationship had just begun.

***

I woke up to a pounding in my head. Squinting my eyes against the harsh light above, I looked around and I noticed that I was in my bedroom and I must have fallen asleep. The pounding continued and I squeezed the sides of my head, wishing it to go away. The banging continued, resonating through my skull and I realized that someone was banging on my door.

"What?" I screamed out above the slamming of fists upon wood, cringing at the new agony from raising my voice.

"Dinner is done!," my father yelled back at me through the door.

At the sound of his retreating steps, I pushed myself up and was instantly grabbing that little bottle again. Over the crunching sound of pills being crushed by teeth, I heard Bella's laugh and was instantly brought back down to reality. My mouth paused and I listened to see what she was doing. Her laughter was moving as her and Alice were heading downstairs.

I hurried to the bathroom, eager to get downstairs and see her again, even if it wasn't the way I wanted. I stopped in front of the mirror, taking in my disheveled state and sighed out loud at how rough I looked. My hair was sticking around in different ways, which was normal to some degree, but this looked bad. I had probably a two day stubble and my clothes looked dingy and wrinkled. I probably didn't smell too nice either.

I decided to take a quick shower, skipping the shaving because of time. In three minutes I was out, rushing around for clean clothes and heading downstairs.

The smells of dinner hit me harder with each step down the stairs and I realized that I still haven't eaten yet, even though I passed out earlier today from the lack of eating. I could smell Bella before I even rounded the corner and my nerves were calmed slightly at the knowledge that she was still here.

The dining room seemed warm and inviting, despite the atmosphere that seemed to get more tense just because I had joined them. My father looked up at me, his head never raising from his plate and all I could see in his eyes was disappointment. I tried to shrug off the pang of hurt in my chest and sat down across from Bella, trying hard not to look up at her but failing.

I ate in small bites, not wanting to upset my stomach more then necessary. Bella's foot kept inching towards me under the table and I met her half way as she smiled across the table at me, around her fork. It was a small gesture, but I think Alice had caught it. I couldn't tell if it was the pills making me paranoid or not. Because, right about now, the pills were kicking into overdrive and making my eyelids heavy and my brain a little hazzy.

"Can't even stay awake for dinner, can you Edward?" My father spoke up, a voice coming from the right of me, barely registering in my brain.

I looked over at him, having nothing to say and just stared. He set down his fork and stared back, like he was willing me to argue with him. I turned my head away from him and back to my plate, refusing to fight for once. I peered up at Bella as I took another small bite of my food. She was looking back and forth between my father and I, a fire growing behind her eyes that only I could catch. I gave a small shake of my head, signaling to her that it wasn't a big deal, I was used to this.

"Are you choosing to ignore me?" he spoke up again, pushing me to answer.

I had enough of the stand off and didn't want Bella seeing the bad side of me that can come through, so I decided on defeat. I placed my fork down on the napkin and looked between my mother and father. My mother was choosing to not get involved, as usual, the perfect face of composer. My father still had his arms folded across the table, in front of his plate and watching me.

"That's ok, I lost my appetite. I'm going to go to my room and do homework," I whispered down at the table and pushed my chair back to stand up.

I trudged up the stairs, ignoring the look of pity on Alice's face and the pleading look coming from Bella's eyes to have me stay. I couldn't stay. That would be asking too much of me.

The moment I reached my bedroom I laid down and succumbed to sleep, thinking of Bella and how I seemed to disappoint her, yet again.

***

I awoke to gentle, warm fingers running through my hair, a vague vanilla smell bringing me to consciousness. A smile reached my lips before my eyes ever opened and I saw Bella laying next to me, her body curled up against mine, teetering on the edge of the bed. The street lamp lit up her face from my window and she smiled down at me, bringing me instant peace.

"How did you get in here?" I whispered out through a dry, pasty mouth.

She smiled down at me again, never ceasing her fingers through my hair. "Alice is asleep, so I figured I'd sneak over here and see how you're doing."

She scooted around, trying to get comfortable and I instantly felt like an ass for hogging up the whole bed. I slipped my left arm underneath her, supporting her lower back and wrapped my other arm around her to scoot her towards me as I moved over. She nestled her head under my chin, keeping her hand in my hair and I closed my eyes, reveling in the comfort that she brought me.

We laid in silence, enjoying each others presence. I felt her back move as she breathed in and out, calmly. I timed my breathing with her's, trying to become one with her. Time passed in silence and serenity, whether it was slow or fast, it didn't matter. I had her in my arms, something that I never thought I was good enough to have.

Her breathing hitched and mine did as well, since I was breathing in time with her.

"Is it true what everyone else says?" she asked, her voice cracking and her hand making a fist in my shirt.

"Is what true?" I replied, moving my hand up to play with her hair, the same way she was with my own.

Her breathing sped up minutely, as did mine. "Are they right about you? About all of the drugs?"

Her body curled tighter into mine and my hand stopped, fingers still tangled within her hair.

"Yeah," I barely whispered out after many passing minutes.

Her back tightened under my arm. "Why?"

I buried my face in her hair and squeezed my eyes shut at the humility that I felt. "Please don't make me have to explain it."

She sighed against my chest and I briefly felt her warm, moist air seeping through my shirt. I moved my fingers through her hair again, willing her muscles to relax, not wanting to cause her any of the bad thoughts that must be going through her head.

"Will you stop? For me?" she pleaded weakly, the vibrations of her voice reverberating against my hand that rested on her head and through my chest.

My hand stilled again and I had a sudden tightness in my chest that I couldn't explain. She wanted me to quit. For her. I had already wanted to quit, to be better. For her. But with her asking, it held so much more meaning to it. It held so much more that I could loose and more pressure. I wanted to, I really did. I wanted her. But I couldn't escape the panic that rose in my throat and made my heart quicken. My hands started to sweat, sticking her hair to my fingers as I tried to pull it through.

"Edward?"

I hadn't answered. I should have answered quickly, leaving no doubt in her head that I was willing to do this. She was asking something of me that should be so simple yet froze my mouth in fear and the unknown. I knew it would be rough. I had been getting my supply through blackmail for nearly two years now. I didn't want her to have to witness me on coke or acid. I had always chosen to do those things alone so that nobody would have to see me do those things. If the reason why I did it lately was to chase away the thoughts of her and I had her now, then why couldn't I quit? I had what I finally wanted. I had her, so of course I should be able to do it for her.

She lifted her head to rest her chin on my chest and peer up at me. Looking into those eyes, how could I not say yes?

I nodded my head and tried to push any doubts or fears out of my mind, concentrating on the warm body that was pressed against me. She smiled, the smile I had always wanted to cause, and reached up to kiss me. Her lips gentle, pliable against my own. I remembered everything of our last kiss, but this one was like a first one all over again. Her hands moved up to place each one on the sides of my neck as she deepened the kiss, opening her mouth up to me. My grip became tighter in her hair as I gave in, loving the feeling of her tongue against mine, her soft moans that were muffled with the fervor of my lips.

A thought came to me and I moved slightly back to look at her face. "Just give me one thing." My eyes roamed her face, waiting for an answer. When I saw only confusion, I continued. "Just for now," I blurted out."

"Anything."

Her breath fanned across my face, almost making me lose my train of thought. I hated asking this.

"Just let me be able to take the xanax or tabs. You know, to help with my head and everything. Would you be ok with that?"

She narrowed her eyes at me and sighed heavily in deep thought. I waited for her answer, her approval, with baited breath.

"Yeah," she nodded.

I searched her face, sure that I saw something in it that signaled that she didn't fully agree. I placed her cheeks in between my hands and looked straight into her eyes.

"Are you sure?"

She shrugged and gave me a small smile. "Sure. I feel bad enough asking you to change for me. It's what you've been for awhile, I assume. We can come to some middle ground here, I'm willing to compromise."

I couldn't help but pull her in for another kiss. Our needs matched, our kiss becoming more forceful then before. I pulled her body on top of mine and held her against me with my hand placed on her back. My hand pushed harder against her as I tilted my head to feel more of her, taste more of her.

Her fingers dug into my shoulders as she shifted her body around, trying to get closer. I could feel her heart beating against my chest as she pressed harder into me. I needed her to consume me, surround me with her grace and beauty. Everything felt right when I was with her, nothing else mattered. In this moment, it was me and her. Her hands seemed frantic as they touched my face, chest and shoulders. I slipped the fingers from one hand under the hem of her shirt, tickling the soft skin of her lower back. She arched against my touch, a louder moan to escape her lips into my mouth. I craved more of her skin. I never knew that flesh could be this soft. I was lost under her touch.

In the far recesses of my mind I heard a small clicking noise, but paid no attention to it. My senses were too busy being enveloped by Bella's body.

"Edward, wake up. I need..."

There was a moment were time stood still. Bella and I froze, our lips still together and both of our eyes wide in fear. Silence surrounded the room for a split second before the yelling began.

"What the fuck? What the hell do you think your doing?"

Bella was jerked from my arms, left stumbling around on the floor, trying to catch her balance. I shot off the bed and grabbed her hips to help steady her before looking over to Alice's furious face.

"Keep it down," I whispered through clenched teeth. "You'll wake them up."

She slapped my hand off of Bella's hip and screamed again, arms flailing through the air. "Maybe I should go fucking wake them up and let you know what the hell you're doing!"

She pulled Bella from the grasp of my other hand on her hip and held her close, like I was some sort of danger, that I would suddenly attack. Bella still stood frozen, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open as she tried to speak, but no words came out. It was up to me to smooth this over.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "What are you even doing in here, Alice?" I asked against the palm of my hand, annoyed.

"What am I doing in here? I'll tell you what I'm fucking doing here, Edward." She was now moving towards me, pinning Bella behind her back as she got closer to my face. "I woke up and saw that Bella was gone. So I freaked out and searched the whole house. After I couldn't find her, I came in here to ask you to help." She pushed her tiny hand into my shoulder, attempting to shove me back. "But I guess I was in for some big fucking surprise wasn't I? You just have to go and fuck up everything don't you?" She gave another shove, this time to my chest. "Don't you asshole?"

I stared hard into her face. "You have no right coming in here in the middle of the night and you definitely have no fucking right trying to tell her what to do."

Her face inched closer to mine, our noses almost touching. "Fuck you."

With that, she spun on her heels and pushed Bella out the door. Before the door was closed I could see Bella looking over her shoulder at me. She was still speechless and scared. I wanted to run after her and comfort her, but I knew that it would only make matters worse right now. I needed to give Alice time and space. Either way, she was going to have to deal with it. But now wasn't the time, with it being the middle of the night, Alice's feelings fresh with anger and my parents sleeping downstairs. I could only hope that Bella could make it through Alice's insanity and calm her down some before I got to talk to her tomorrow.

Out of habit, I marched over to the side of my bed, got two xanax out and swallowed them down. It wasn't until later, when my head was swimming around, that I realized that I had relied on drugs to make me feel better. With the sounds of Alice's raised voice coming through the wall and my own thoughts running through my head, I felt like shit. I had caused Bella to be caught in the middle, jeopardizing her friendship with my sister and feeling like I already broke my promise with her to quit. Granted it was xanax, which she said was ok, but I knew better then that. I knew that I went running to it out of need to take away any emotional pain that I felt right now.

I fought to stay awake, to at least be there for her on another side of a wall. But the tiredness kicked in within fifteen minutes and I slipped under, still hearing the sounds of Alice's shrill voice coming through.

**BPOV**

******

Alice had yelled at me for probably twenty minutes straight before giving up and demanding that we go to sleep and talk about it in the morning, on the way to school. I had called my dad to ask if I could spend the night after I saw what had happened with Edward during dinner. I was worried about him and wanted to make sure that he was ok. I wanted to chase away the look of defeat in his eyes. I never thought that the night would end up like this.

Sleep didn't come easy to me. I was surprised that Alice seemed to fall asleep so quickly. It took me about another hour and a half to be able to, leaving me only two hours of sleep before we had to get ready for school.

When we woke up, the sun piercing through my eyelids as I heard the annoying shrill sound of the alarm, all of the memories came rushing back to me. I laid in the bed for a moment, unwilling to face the day and what I was sure was going to be more interrogation from Alice. I didn't speak at all last night and I was sure that she was now going to be looking for answers.

"Get up," Alice roughly said, hitting my leg and leaving the room.

I finally opened my eyes as I heard the sound of the door closing. I briefly thought about running off to Edward's room to talk to him, but decided against it. I could see him at school. I sat up and stretched, the tiredness still aching my muscles, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed with him and make it all go away.

The morning was very intense, a huge contrast to what it had always been. Edward had left before we even got downstairs to eat breakfast. Alice never spoke a word to me while we were getting ready. I didn't know how to handle the situation or what to say, so I said nothing.

By the time we got into her car, the tension was thick and I couldn't stand it anymore. We had never really fought and the cold shoulder routine was really starting to hurt.

"Now you can tell me what the hell you were thinking," she demanded as she started up the car.

"I think you need to tone down the attitude, Alice." The hurt feelings had finally forced me to speak and get angry back at her. I had no reason to hide this or be ashamed.

"Well, excuse me, but when I catch my best friend making out with my brother then I kind of start to flip out."

I leaned my head back and sighed. I didn't want to fight, so I tried to calm down, for the sake of our friendship.

"I understand that, really, I do. But I don't see what the big deal is or why you have to be so angry about this. We like each other. So what?"

She almost slammed on the breaks but then caught herself. "Bella! He's a fucking drug addict. I'm trying to look out for you here. Shit, I know he's my brother, but I don't want to see you get messed up with his shit and his problems."

"He's quitting, ok?" I screamed out to her before I could even think. All of Alice's thoughts of him were speculation and now I had just betrayed Edward by proving her right.

She laughed, her breath making clouds against the icy air. "I know you're not that stupid Bella. He's never going to be sober and, if he does, it's going to take a lot more then you for him to do it."

I shrunk back in the seat, her words hurting me more then I was before. "Wow. That's harsh. Thanks a lot."

"Well, it's the truth. People with addictions need help. A lot more then what you can give him," she shrugged as she pulled into the parking space of the school.

I grabbed my bag and stared at her in disbelief. "I thought you would be more understanding then this, Alice. I guess now I see why Edward wanted me to keep this from you. You always think that you're right. Not this time."

I left the car and her, walking quickly up to the main doors, my whole body shaking. I heard her calling out to me once but I kept going. I knew that if I didn't walk away now then some things were going to be said that would ruin our friendship. If it wasn't already over with.

***

My head was stuck in a haze for the first half of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about everything, but I couldn't come up with any answers at the same time. It was awful how I could feel so happy, so content and then the next minute feel so much pain. It was too many emotions to try to control.

The bell rang, signaling that it was lunch time and I had no idea what I was going to do. Normally I sat with Alice, but I had a feeling that she wasn't going to be so chatty with me today. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and trudged along to lunch, carrying a book with me, just in case she decided to still be mad at me.

I was too upset to buy any food to eat, instead I sat down at the table and waited. A couple of minutes later she came in, laughing and completely ignoring me. She still sat next to me, but the whole time her back was turned. I fought off the tears and buried my face in my book, trying to act like I was really reading. When in truth, I was trying to pay attention to everything she said. Ready for the moment that she would turn around and apologize, but she never did.

I left before the bell even rang and headed to Biology class. I hadn't seen Edward all day, at least there could be one could thing.

I sat at my desk, books sprawled out on our lab table and watching the door. He was the first one to come in the room. His eyes instantly scanned the room and found mine. He gave me a small, sad smile and walked over to me, his eyes never faltering from my face.

"Hey," he said softly as he sat down next to me.

I turned around to see his face, feeling some sense of calm now that he was near.

"I saw Alice being a bitch to you in lunch."

"How did you see that? I didn't see you anywhere."

"I was sitting behind you. I was trying to make sure that she wouldn't say anything to you in the middle of lunch or anything. I didn't want her to see me," he said with a sheepish smile.

"Yeah, she didn't say anything to me at all. So, we're good on that end," I said sadly down at my hands.

"Give her time."

"I don't think so. I think this may be the end of me and her. She's not the type to back down, you know that as much as I do."

He leaned his face down to mine, forcing me to look at him. "I don't want to give this up. But, if I have to, I will. I'll do it for you, Bella."

"No," I almost screamed out loud, causing a few of the students who were coming through the door to look at me. I dropped my voice lower and looked into his eyes, shaking my head. "No, I can't do that. I won't. She's going to have to get used to it because I can't lose you."

He reached up and pushed a strand of hair from my face, watching his hand moving before his sad eyes met mine again.

"I can't be the cause of you guys fighting, Bella. I don't want to be the one to push you guys apart."

Our teacher came in the room, signaling the class to settle down. He turned his direction to Edward for a second, giving him a questioning look. I guess to ask if he was feeling fine. Edward nodded his head and our teacher turned around to start class. I was thankful that he didn't ask Edward out loud how he was feeling. He didn't need more talking behind his back, which I was sure was going on at this moment.

"You aren't the one doing it. She is," I whispered out to him, behind the teacher's back.

We ended our conversation and tried to act like we were paying attention to the lesson. Every time the teacher would turn his back on us to write on the chalkboard, Edward would scoot his chair a little closer. I tried to hide my smile, not wanting to get caught.

By the time class was half way over, Edward's leg was now pressed against mine under the table. He would extend his fingers when the teacher wasn't looking to stroke my knee or squeeze my leg. Feeling him by my side made me feel better, more confident about my decision to stand up for what I believed in.

I knew that he would always be there, helping to guide me or comfort me. I didn't know how I knew, but I did. In this moment I felt like I could no wrong. I wasn't sure of how I was going to handle seeing Alice again after school. But I had a feeling that if we stuck together then we could make it through anything. He was my peace. He felt like home.


	4. Chapter 4

Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest

Name of Story: Sober

Pen Name: Corinne 22

Song story is inspired by: Sober

Artist: Tool

Category: Newbie

Main pairing: Bella and Edward

POV: Bella and Edward

*******

There's a shadow just behind me,

shrouding every step I take,

making every promise empty,

pointing every finger at me.

Waiting like a stalking butler

who upon the finger rests.

Murder now the pattern must we,

just because the son has come?

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

something but the past and done?

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle

something but the past endured?

Why can't we not be sober?

I Just want to start this over.

And why can't we drink forever?

I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

I will work to elevate you

just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary won't you whisper

something but what's past and done.

Mother Mary won't you whisper

something but what's past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?

I Just want to start this over.

Ah, why can't we sleep forever?

I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

Trust me, trust me, trust me,

trust me, and trust me

Why can't we not be sober?

Just want to start this over.

Why can't we sleep forever?

Just want to start this over.

I want what I want, I want what

I want, I want what I want, I want

what I want

Disclaimer: SM owns all character and Tool owns the song, along with my soul :) lol

Go to: www(dot)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com for all other entries please :)

* * *

**BOV**

******

If I said that the ride home was uncomfortable and tense, that would be an understatement and not giving the situation any justice.

Edward had met up with me outside of my last class. How he knew where it was, I had no idea. We walked to his car, together, shoulders and arms touching. I had reached his car, his eyes giving me the signal to get in, until I heard Alice yelling at me.

"Bella. Get in," she simply stated.

I looked over at Edward, his eyes conflicted, yet nodding at me to go ahead.

"I'll call you later," he mouthed the words to me over the hood of the car.

I wanted to stay, to give myself more time with him. Time that seemed to be so rare. I had just now finally received what I had wanted for years and all I wanted to do was explore it, drown myself in it. But I had a friendship that was faltering and it needed to be fixed.

Even if I did feel like I wasn't in the wrong here. She should be happy for me, if this is what I wanted. She just didn't understand it all because she never knew how I had always felt about him. The pull and the need. The indescribable pulse of connection that I felt bounded us and pained me when we were apart. I didn't even fully understand it myself. But I knew that I needed to explore it. He was all I could ever think about. Always there in the front of my mind, taunting me with his presence. Even before we ever spoke to each other. I would regret it if I didn't. A piece of me would always be missing and I knew it always would be for the rest of my life.

The car was silent, so awkward that it almost physically hurt. She was my best friend, someone to always be there for me and someone I could actually be myself around. But, here we were, like strangers. I could tell that she didn't want to be near me right now, too mad to be able to handle me at the moment. I felt like I wasn't whole. I realized that it felt the same as if I lost Edward. But the part that saddened me and confused me was that it would hurt more, destroy me more if it was him I lost and not her. Besides my father, she was the only person that I truly loved over the years. Despite that, I knew in that moment that if I had to, I would choose Edward over her. This made me feel even more lost.

I was grateful that the drive was short. Everything was a short drive in a small town like Forks. I didn't know why she insisted that I ride with her if she wasn't even going to talk to me. She had kept her focus on the road the whole time, never once looking my way. I guess it was just to get me away from him. She apparently loathed him. Again, I found myself siding with him on this. Everyone has abandoned him, left him alone to fight through all of his shit. But he had me now. As much as it would hurt, I was willing to give it all up for him. To help him and to show him that he doesn't have to be alone. That there is such a thing as love and that what I felt for him was beyond that simple word. It was sacrifice, devotion and the need to always be by his side until the day I died. I knew this, with every part of my soul. How I did was unknown, but I did.

She interrupted my sudden epiphany, my mind all jumbled around with the sudden realization of what he meant to me.

"Just think about what I said, please," she said to the steering wheel, still not looking at me and not even bothering to put the car in park.

I nodded and slowly left the vehicle, my heart fractured and waiting any extra seconds that I could to have her speak again. But she didn't, so I walked away, my feet digging up dirt and rocks on the way as I dragged my feet.

My father was surprisingly home, leaving me ashamed at myself for hating the fact that he was there. I wanted time alone, time to think and to not have to act like I was happy. We used to be close, used spend many nights together bonding over fish dinners and our favorite shows. Now it felt all fucked up and wrong. He was always gone, so I was always over at Alice's. Blame it on being a teenager or blame it on his absence. Either way, are rare moments together were not filled with laughter like they used to be.

I walked into the kitchen, greeted by the smells of food and my father's chipper, hyper self. None of it being normal or expected.

"Bells!," he yelled out in our tiny space while he practically ran over to me to hug me.

I lifted one arm and halfheartedly hugged him, a little shocked at his demeanor.

He gave me a squeeze and then let go, turning back to the counter. "I got us some Chinese food. I got six different kinds and lots of Chinese cookies and those donuts that you love."

He was rambling, opening up various containers and throwing around plates and silverware. I didn't get where any of this sudden happiness was coming from, but I decided to go with. I missed us, the constant protective father that I could confide in.

I threw down my backpack and shrugged off my jacket, hanging it on the hook by the door, over my shoes.

"Sit," he said with a wide smile. "I'll get it all ready."

He rushed around, placing all of the little to go containers on the table, along with our drinks. He plopped down in his seat and poured food out on his plate, more then I ever thought that he could eat in one sitting.

"So," he said too loudly. "How's school going? How has Alice been? I miss her hanging around here. She seems like a good kid. You should really hang on to her. How are your grades? Been doing well on your tests?"

"God, dad. Slow down. One question at a time here." He was too much for me to handle with what I've been through, but I couldn't help but laugh at him. "School's fine," I said before shoving my mouth full of food. I was trying to avoid the talk about Alice.

"Great, great! Education is important, Bells."

"I know," I said, still chuckling at him.

We ate in silence for a few moments. A silence that was comfortable. I started thinking again about how much I had missed him. I missed being able to talk to him. Being able to confide in him with my problems and searching for his advice. I always valued his views on things, he was a smart man.

I had the sudden to urge to tell him about Edward. My feelings were so scrambled, even though I was positive on my feelings for him. Everything had just happened so fast, making me a little scared.

"Dad?" I asked meekly, staring down at my plate.

"Yeah Bells?"

I didn't know how to begin so I just blurted it out. "Edward and I are going to start seeing each other."

He dropped his fork on his plate with a loud crash, causing rice to spray up and fall on the table. My eyes met his, a look of pure anger burning in his.

"Alice's brother Edward?" His shoulders were tense, chest heaving and fists clenched.

I nodded, too scared from his reaction to say anything.

"Jesus Bells! I thought you were smarter then that." He stood up, placing both of his hands on the table and staring down at me with authority. "He's no good for you. I broken piece of shit that you should stay away from. The only reason why I ever let you go over there is because Alice assured me that you guys didn't talk to each other."

I blinked for a few times, taking in everything he said before I yelled back at him. "We didn't! And when the hell did you and Alice talk? How do you know he's no good for me anyways?"

I couldn't believe that Alice and him had talked about me behind my back. Isn't there some type of unspoken rule against that shit? I felt so betrayed.

"I know things about him, Bella. People talk. And don't you dare ever cuss me again," he replied, ignoring my question about Alice.

I stood up too, backing down from his attempt at intimidation. "That's just it dad, all talk. You don't know anything. Everyone just wants to talk and not even bother getting to know the real him."

He roughly ran his hand over his face and then slammed his hand on the table. "I'm a cop, I think I would know things about him that you wouldn't know. You're not allowed to go over there anymore and you're not allowed to see him. If Alice wants to see you then she can come over here. Do you understand me?"

I was beyond pissed. He hasn't been around for months to try to be in my life and now he decides that he can step in and tell me what to do. As far as I was concerned, he had no damn right. He didn't know Edward had his good side. He didn't even know him at all. Has never spoken to him, only heard things about him.

"You're not going to tell me what I can and can't do! I'm still going to see him if I want to."

He slammed both of his hands on the table this time. "Damn it Bella! I'm your father and you live in my house."

"I'm almost eighteen!" I yelled back right as the phone rang.

He held up his finger to stop me as he walked over to the phone, cussing under his breath. I didn't even listen to the conversation. I was too busy fuming. Part of me wanted to run, to be the typical child and run away from all of his words and never come back. I knew that wasn't the rational thing to do, but he wasn't being rational either.

He banged the receiver down and sighed heavily. "I just got called into work. I may be gone all night." He turned around to look at me. "You go nowhere. Stay here and we'll talk about this in the morning, if I make it back before you have to go to school."

I rolled my eyes at him, folded my arms across my chest and walked away to go to my room. A few minutes later I heard him leave, the rumbling sound of his engine fading as he drove down the road to work.

As soon as he left I texted Edward asking him if he could call me. Within two minutes my phone rang. Tears started to fall the moment I heard his voice.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, sounding both panicked and worried.

"My dad," is all I could mutter out as the sobs became harder. I didn't understand why I was crying so hard. I could only assume that it was because of everything crashing down at me all at once. Finally having Edward in my life, the pain of not being by his side, the fight with Alice and now a fight with my father. It was too much all at once. Hearing his voice only made my sadness worse. Kind of like how you can act like you're fine until someone asks how you are and you suddenly start crying.

"What about him, Bella? What happened?"

I fought back the lump that was building in my throat and blurted out everything at once. "I came home and he was acting all weird and trying to bond. I told him that I wanted to be with you and he flipped out. He told me that I wasn't allowed to see you. Ever. That if Alice wanted to see me then she had to come here. Which we both know may never happen again. Oh! And get this. Apparently they have talked about us behind our backs and she promised that she would keep me away from you. That's why he always let me sleep over there. Kind of funny, when you think about it. I had to sleep over at your house to ignore the fact that I was left alone all the time here, lately."

I stopped my ranting, breathing heavily.

"Why did you tell him?" he nearly screamed at me.

"Because! I don't know, we used to be so close and honest with each other. I wanted that feeling back. I felt guilty hiding something from him. He had always been so honest with me, so why shouldn't I be with him?"

The tears came back and I had to stop crying because I couldn't talk over it.

"OK, OK. I'm sorry for yelling at you like that. It's just I kind of figured Charlie wouldn't be too happy about."

"That's the thing, Edward. He completely flipped out. I told him that he was only going by what people would say and that it wasn't fair to you, but he didn't care. I don't know why he has to hate you so much."

Silence grew as I continued my crying, his breathing was hard, blowing across the phone.

"Was that all he said?" he asked quietly.

"Isn't that enough?" I screamed into the phone.

He sighed heavily and I could almost picture him running his hands over his face with his eyebrows pushed together. I wanted to see it, not picture it.

"I'll fix this, Bella. Believe me. I'll take care of everything and make it alright. OK?"

"How?" I asked meekly, finally drying up some tears.

"Just trust me. I'll make this better for you."

"OK," I nodded against the phone.

I heard a knocking on his side of the phone.

"I've got to go. Call me if you need me. I'll probably be up all night."

I nodded again, forgetting that I was on a phone.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you. Don't worry. I've got this covered."

I smiled through the last of tears to fall down my face. "I miss you too. Too much."

He hung up right as I heard more banging sounds coming through the phone.

I was right. As long as I had him, everything could turn out fine. We can guide each other, help each other through this fucked up mess. We can rise above everything and be happy together. I didn't care what my father said or the ramifications of it. I couldn't hold off this undeniable pull any longer.

**EPOV**

******

The knocking continued while I tried to compose myself. Now was not the time for distractions. Now was the time for planning.

It seemed that I was going to have to pay Chief Swan a visit. Here he was, a devoted father, an upstanding citizen as a cop and an understanding man--in everyone else's eyes. When in truth he was a coke head, lying son of a bitch who had the balls to talk shit about me. Those were only the things I knew about him. I'm sure he's into some other type of corrupt shit, judging from the battered man who laid at his feet when I found him that day.

Fuck, I hated hearing her cry. It all seemed pretty ironic that I could now comfort her, be there for her, and the pain was caused by me. This was all about me. Her fighting with Alice, her fight with Charlie, all of her tears.

The insistent knocking finally broke me down, little constant taps to drive me insane.

"What the fuck do you want?" I yelled, not caring who was on the other side of the door.

The door creaked open, revealing Alice. I ran my hand over my face and through my hair in frustration.

"What?" I snapped after she closed the door and sat down next to me, staring at the floor. When she finally spoke, her voice was curt, demanding in it's tone.

"Listen, I don't approve of this shit. I think you've turned into a liar, a drama queen and on your way to self-destruction. It's one thing to ruin you're relationship with your family, it's a whole different thing to ruin my best friend. Because of you, we've had our first fight in four years. That already shows how bad you are for her."

I watched the side of her face as she spoke. It was contorted in thought and disgust at having to have to talk to me.

"I love you too, Alice," I darkly chuckled. I just needed her to leave so I could fix all of this.

Her head snapped up and she looked at me with hard, piercing eyes. "I don't think this is fucking funny. You're a fucking drug addict, Edward. Seriously? You think you deserve her?"

"I threw that shit out this morning," I yelled, standing up to start pacing back and forth in front of her. "That's why I wasn't around here when you guys left for school. You don't think I love her enough? I would do it all for her."

I stopped pacing and sat on the floor, knees drawn up to my chest. "Jesus, Alice. I know I don't deserve her. Believe me, I know. But I'm willing to try everything to be able to be good enough. I'm willing to go through whatever I have to, just to make her happy."

I looked up into her eyes, pleading. "I've loved her for four years, Alice. This isn't just something to do for fun here. I need her."

She slipped off of the bed and crawled over to me on the floor, resting on the back of her feet to look straight into my face. "If you even think about hurting her, breaking her heart, you'll fucking regret it? Do I make myself clear?"

I nodded, avoiding her eyes.

"I'm not talking about some minor thing, Edward. I will fucking hurt you. You have a lot to prove to me, to Bella. If you don't man up and get over yourself, you'll destroy her. I see the look in her eyes when she talks about you. It pisses me off that I never knew about this. But now that I do, I'm going to be all over your ass to make sure you don't hurt her."

I nodded again, head between my knees.

"We'll talk about this some more later," she said as I heard her getting up.

"What more is there to say? I get it. I don't deserve her, you hate me. Everyone but Bella hates me," I mumbled into my knees.

"Get over yourself. This isn't about you anymore."

I heard the door softly close shortly after and I was left to the silence of my room and the unending thoughts in my head.

I fell over on the floor, curled up into a ball, hugging me knees. The silence was killing me. Whenever I was faced with boredom or too much quietness, I relied on drugs. Anything that I had to chase it all away. But this time I couldn't. I couldn't do it anymore.

The shit was always stuck in the back of my mind, taunting me. Making my mouth dry, my palms sweat and the tightness grow. It was harder to fully concentrate without it. My body ached all over.

It had already been a few days since I've taken anything but pills, it shouldn't be that bad. I was only doing it every now and then, relying mostly on pills. The coke, acid and shrooms were only used when I felt desperate enough to get away.

Now felt like one of those times.

I crawled on hands and knees to find the tabs. Anxious to get this constant body aching to disappear. My mind kept going back and forth between feeling desperate to find something else to take, something else better, and shaking those thoughts off with the memory of Bella's face.

I couldn't lose her. I knew that more then anything. Nothing is worse then unrequited love and I was determined to have it remain something tangible. I had already felt her skin beneath my fingers, seen her smile at me, heard her laughter and felt her heart beat against mine. I couldn't throw that all away. To lose it would be worse then never knowing how it felt. Because then I would know what I was missing. It was better then everything that I had imagined it could be. Better then any fantasy or made up conversation in my head.

If I had to choose between her or my family...that's an easy choice. If losing your family is supposed to give you grief and I didn't care...If loosing Bella would be so much worse, destroy me even more, then I supposed that did show how I don't have a soul. Because I would choose Bella over anyone in this house. At least she still loved me. She tried to understand me instead of instantly hating me like everyone else.

The tabs didn't work, I took two more. The pain wouldn't stop, my shirt becoming soaked with my sweat. I crawled onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling as more thoughts kept seeping through, making me feel even weaker and more confused.

I clenched my fists at the sides of my thighs and shut my eyes, willing everything to calm down and stop spinning. I can do this, I know I can. Love concurs all, right?

**BPOV**

******

I hung up the phone, feeling a little bit calmer now, but not fully better.

This was my father, the only man that I had ever relied on before Edward. He was my comfort throughout the years, my rock. He had to be happy if I was happy. That's what I thought parents were supposed to do. The looks of horror and revolt on his face ripping a part of me away. Never have I seen that look directed to me. I never wanted to see it again.

I pushed myself off of my bed and went downstairs to clean up the mess of our barely touched meal. Putting the food back into the little to go containers, I felt the need for comfort food, despite my upset stomach from tonight. Whenever I felt bad, I always delved into cooking and comfort food. Maybe it was the lack of a mother, maybe it was just because I was a woman.

My favorite thing to make was double peanut butter cookies. The warm gooey texture filling up my stomach, followed by glasses of milk, seemed to always calm me. It also helped me go to sleep.

I knew that Edward wasn't eating right lately and he needed more sustenance now that he was promising to stop doing drugs. I decided to make double batches, some for the house and some for him. Maybe it will help him, cheer him up. Who knows, it could help loosen up my father. He could apologize over warm cookies and milk. Everything will turn out well.

After I set the dishes in the sink and threw away all of the spilled rice, I started to look for the ingredients that I needed. I could find everything but the light corn syrup. I knew that we had some around here somewhere. I had to use it for a cookie recipe for Halloween last year. My father never cooked, so I know that it couldn't have been used up.

I wasn't sure what the shelf life of it was, but I only needed a fourth of a cup and I didn't feel like going to the store. I'll probably be the first to find out if it's bad while I eat about seven of them.

I hopped up on the counter, knees shaking slightly from the strain of looking throughout the cabinets. I spent many minutes moving around various items, peering into every dark corner. Not having any luck, I sighed heavily and placed my feet on the counter top, carefully walking over to the fridge. We had a tiny cabinet placed above it. I figured if it was a rarely used ingredient, maybe my father placed it up there.

I leaned over the top of the fridge, my tiptoes trying to keep me in balance. I moved around more items and right when I was about to give up, I found something I had never seen before.

A crumpled up, non descriptive paper bag sat behind a pile of Christmas platters. I leaned further on the fridge, the edge digging into my ribs and retrieved it with the tips of my fingers. Inside was a plastic sandwich bag, filled half way with something that I couldn't recognize.

I sat down on the edge of the counter and pulled out the sandwich bag, holding it up to the kitchen light. I had my suspicions of what it was, but I decided to look it up on the internet to make sure. For the first time in my life, I hated my pure inexperience with drugs and things that other people knew about that I stayed far away from. Results of being a Chief's daughter.

After many different website checks, I finally found pictures of what I was looking for. Cocaine. Most in bricks from drug busts and some in bags, like what was clutched in my sweaty hand.

My heart was going fast, my mind screaming too many different scenarios. What was this doing in my house? It couldn't be my father's, could it? He was a fucking cop.

I quickly clicked the little red x on the screen and ran upstairs, my feet faltering and stumbling in the rush to get into his room. I stood in the doorway, still grasping the bag in my right hand. I looked around his room as I tried to catch my breath, wondering where to start.

I threw the bag on his bed and stuck my hands under his mattress. It was trite, but it was logical. After going the whole circumference, I placed my hands on my hips and looked around again. I checked his bedside table, then his closet and under his bed. An hour had past and I was starting to think I might be going a little crazy.

I sat on the floor, head in hands and trying to breath calmly. The whole time I was looking, I was trying to hold off a panic attack. There had to be some sort of logical explanation. This couldn't be true. He was a fucking cop!

My eyes landed on a cedar chest, something his father had made for him before he passed away. I quickly crawled over to it and placed my hands on the lid, praying it would be like before. Hoping it was nothing but my over active imagination and lack of knowledge.

I lifted the lid and started to dig out old blankets and flannel shirts. The smell of cedar calmed my nerves just a little bit. It reminded me of camping and fishing trips with my dad, hugs as a child with my Grandfather, laughter around a fire.

I got to the bottom of the chest, reaching under a blanket as I felt around the smooth wood. My finger was stabbed by something sharp. I screamed in pain and put my finger in mouth to help stop the bleeding.

With hesitant hands, I leaned into the chest and pulled back the last three heavy blankets. There before me was a small mirror and a stack of money. One of the bills was rolled up and shoved into the corner. I picked up the mirror, looking at it for any signs of anything. It was smudged with fingerprints, but otherwise clean. Then I picked up the money. Stacks off one hundred dollar bills. About twenty-five of them, if I had to guess.

I couldn't fucking think straight. Everything was a blur, my breathing sounding so far away, my hands and feet were numb. Drugs and money? What the hell was going on here that I didn't know about? The coke, I could have maybe rationalized as something or someone else's. But this, all the money in my father's chest, this couldn't be explained. I would like to think that it's a saved up college fund or some type of retirement. But if it was, then that would be in a bank, all nestled in safe by alarms and guards. Not sitting in a chest, under musty, itchy blankets in his bedroom.

I picked up the rolled up dollar bill and inspected it. It had one spot of blood on it, something that made my heart skip even more. I unrolled it, barely touching it with my fingers. I found a light trace of powder in it. The smallest amount, so little I almost didn't even notice. I laid it down on the floor and stumbled over to the bed to grab the bag. I set it down on the floor, next to the dollar and laid on the floor at eye level to compare.

I already knew in the back of my head, I was just still trying to live in denial or make up excuses. This didn't have an excuse. How could you deny evidence as plain as this? How long had all of this been going on? For how many years?

I debated on putting it all back to hide that I knew or leaving it out in the open. Maybe he could come home, play the lie, go upstairs to his room and then find out that I knew. Maybe he could just have an ounce of the feeling that I was feeling now. Maybe his chest would hurt too. Maybe his heart would feel like it was breaking, like mine. Maybe, just fucking maybe, he would feel guilty for ruining his daughter's life. But, somehow I doubted that.

I threw everything back in the chest, including the bag. Let him figure it out when he goes to get another high. When he goes to break this family apart. This explains it all. His distance, all the late nights at the "office".

Anger flashed through me in waves, heating up my skin from the inside out. He was keeping this from me, choosing this over me, and he was just yelling at me about Edward not even two hours ago? At least Edward cared about me enough to quit.

It was all screwed up. Everything that I had ever believed in was turned upside down. The man I thought hated me, loved me. My father, the fucking cop of Forks, didn't love me at all and was doing coke.

The room spun and I collapsed on the floor, dry heaves racking my body. I half crawled, half ran to the bathroom at the end of the hall. My fingers clutched desperately to the edge of the toilet seat, tears spilling over my cheeks, making ripples in the water. Nothing could come up, just sobs and gagging sounds as I tried to compose myself.

Alice. I needed Alice. I didn't know if she would be here for me after our fight, but I needed her so badly. I blindly walked to my bedroom, shaking palms feeling the walls for direction since I couldn't see through all of the tears. I violently wiped my eyes with the back of my hands, trying to see enough to make out the illuminated calling list.

She sighed into the phone before she said anything. "Bella, I can't talk right now. I just need some time to process through all of this. OK?"

I couldn't speak. Sobs shook my body as I painfully pressed the phone to my ear.

"Bella...Oh my God. What's wrong? Tell me!"

I still couldn't talk. I tried to make sense but the crying made my words into a blubbering mess. Tears and snot streaming down my face as I pleaded to her through my cries.

"Do you need me to come get you?"

I was able to make a sound that resembled a yes.

"Shit. I'll be right there. Hold on, I'm leaving right now. Don't hang up."

Through my crying I could hear her rustling around and the jingle of her keys. A soft thudding sound of her feet as she ran down the stairs and the slam of her door.

"I'm staying on the phone with you, don't hang up," she yelled out at me over the roar of her engine as she started it and peeled out of her driveway.

I could only nod through the phone.

Her breathing was labored, panicked, almost like mine was. But her panic could never match mine. Her heart wasn't breaking like mine. She had a perfect family. Even Edward was quitting the only bad habit of that house. Everything was falling apart around me. How was I going to live with him now, knowing what I know? What was going to happen to us? I have nowhere else to go. No family to take me in, no mother to hold me in her arms and comfort me. No father that I considered to be the best man I had ever known. The epitome of what men should strive for.

In record time, Alice's car was below my window and the sounds of her feet slamming on the wooden steps echoed through the walls.

She fell on the carpet in front of me and gently took the phone out of my hand to turn it off. After she put it in her pocket, she grabbed me, arms enveloping me in a fierce hug.

"Is this about Edward?" she asked, a hint of anger in her voice.

I shook my head against her shoulder, my tears soaking her hair.

"Are you hurt?"

I shook again, wanting to clarify and define the word hurt. No, I wasn't hurt physically. But inside? I was ruined, devastated, broken, dead.

"Is this about our fight? What is it?" she asked exasperated, slightly shaking me but never letting go.

I could hear her own tears through her voice, which only made me cry impossibly harder.

"Come on. You're coming home with me. I've got your phone and you can borrow whatever you need of mine."

She partially dragged me to the car, trying to hold up my weak frame. She didn't bother trying to put on my shoes, only grabbed them to put in the car with us. The soft, moist ground soaked through the fabric of my socks, barely registering in my mind as the cold nipped at my toes.

Before I knew it, we were at her house and I was in the comfort of her bed. She had wrapped me up in her blankets, rubbing my back as she tried to soothe me.

"Fuck, Bella. You need to tell me what's going on. Help me understand here."

I could only continue to cry through my swollen eyes and sore throat. She laid down behind me and stroked my hair, helping the tiredness to seep through my aching bones and muscles.

"Tell me when you can," she whispered into my hair. "I'll be here."

I fell asleep in her arms, surrounded by her love and comfort.


	5. Chapter 5

Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest

Name of Story: Sober

Pen Name: Corinne 22

Song story is inspired by: Sober

Artist: Tool

Category: Newbie

Main pairing: Bella and Edward

POV: Bella and Edward

*******

There's a shadow just behind me,

shrouding every step I take,

making every promise empty,

pointing every finger at me.

Waiting like a stalking butler

who upon the finger rests.

Murder now the pattern must we,

just because the son has come?

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

something but the past and done?

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle

something but the past endured?

Why can't we not be sober?

I Just want to start this over.

And why can't we drink forever?

I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

I will work to elevate you

just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary won't you whisper

something but what's past and done.

Mother Mary won't you whisper

something but what's past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?

I Just want to start this over.

Ah, why can't we sleep forever?

I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

Trust me, trust me, trust me,

trust me, and trust me

Why can't we not be sober?

Just want to start this over.

Why can't we sleep forever?

Just want to start this over.

I want what I want, I want what

I want, I want what I want, I want

what I want

Disclaimer: SM owns all character and Tool owns the song, along with my soul :) lol

Go to: www(dot)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com for all other entries please :)

* * *

**EPOV**

******

I woke up at about midnight, my thoughts instantly going to Bella. I watched the ceiling, a few headlights shining across it every now and then. Between all of the fucked up thoughts going through my head and the lack of my normal drug routine, my body felt tense, like even every hair on my body stood on end and hurt.

I sighed heavily and turned to my right side, trying to make every move of my muscle as little as possible. But it didn't matter if I moved or not, it all still fucking hurt.

My hand fumbled around at the side of my bed, trying to reach in the small safe that I kept right underneath. I didn't even lock it last time, so I was able to flip it open, the lid making a loud thud against the wooden floor. I hesitated and listened, waiting to see if I woke anybody up. After a minute of silence, I decided it was safe and pulled out the only thing I had left. My only chance at making any of the pain to go away.

I flopped down on my back, cringing at the sudden jerk that my heavy muscles made against the bouncing on the mattress. It made a small, almost hollow sound come from the bottle of tabs. I was afraid of it, that I was running too low.

I lifted my head to rest it on a pillow, to be able to see. My hand and arm muscles twitched as I tried to pry it open. The pills spilled into my hands and I stared at it, willing it to magically multiply. Six. That's all I had left. It seemed that when I pay Chief Swan a visit tomorrow I'll also have to get some more from him. That will be great, threaten him and then have to beg for more. I popped four of them in my mouth and chewed while I put the other two back in the bottle.

My legs felt heavy as I tried to move towards the end of the bed. If they didn't hurt so badly then I wouldn't even know they were my own. I put the bottle back, leaving it open for the next use, not wanting to have to fight with it again.

I needed a cigarette. Bad. It wasn't something I normally did, only whenever I was stressed out. Typically I had other things to calm me down, but tabs and nicotine were going to have to suffice. I steered my clumsy body to the closet, grabbed my jacket and shrugged it on.

There was a small awning outside of my window, a perfect spot for me to sneak out to smoke. I crept through the window and sat with my legs crossed, my feet placed under my ass. The air was freezing, my breath visible and stinging my lungs. The coldness caused me to tense up, aching my body further, but waking me up a little.

I looked up to the darkened sky, with no moon, only stars, and blindly lit my cigarette.

I wasn't quite sure how I was going to go about this whole Bella's dad thing, but I knew something needed to be done. He had no fucking right trying to butt in. He had no leg to stand on. If he thought he was better than me, he was more fucked up than I thought he was.

Everyone was trying to keep us apart. Everything seemed like such a struggle, so much effort. I knew she was worth it but I doubted that she felt the same way. Since I came into her life, became more of a prominent figure in it, I have caused nothing but strife and pain.

I sighed out a heavy cloud of smoke, holding the cigarette between my teeth and shoving my hands in my jacket pockets to battle the cold. Something soft crinkled between the fingers of my left hand, slightly stiff with the freezing air. My heart nearly skipped with the realization of what it could be. Instantly I was more tense then before, my muscles screaming out it's agony more intensely.

I took my cigarette out of my mouth and with a shaky hand, took out the small bag from my pocket. I held it up in the air, the vision of it so beautiful and repulsive at the same time in the dim light of the street lamp. I was conflicted, every thought fighting the next one. The white powder calling to me, causing my stomach to knot.

With my cigarette thrown and forgotten, I rushed back through the window and closed. I stood for what seemed like forever, holding the bag up and staring at it. It seemed even more beautiful and menacing in the harsh light of my room, brought out of the shadows.

The pain in my head wouldn't stop, battling with the pain in my heart. My chest constricting with the torture of the memory of her face. I crumbled on the floor, knowing what I was going to do before I even questioned it. Just this one time. One more time and I can be better. Can be a better man for her and prove everybody else wrong. I just needed this one last time. A parting, a final goodbye to my old life and bringing in the new one.

Sweat seeped through my shirt and I tore off my jacket, frantic with need and afflicted with the agony of want. I crawled over to my dresser and pulled myself up, my fingernails digging into the laminated wood. Nothing was clear anymore, all thoughts were scattered and my body took over. Habits that have trained my fingers to do it's job moved swiftly and without premeditation, all on instinct.

Vaguely aware of my actions, my fingers dug out my drivers license and a crumpled up dollar bill. I dumped out the contents of the bag and swiftly started cutting through, making eight neat little lines. My hands were shaking so badly that I had to try to roll the twenty dollar bill three times before I finally got it right and tightly wound up.

I had never been this bad before, it was always something I didn't do very often. But just the thought of never being able to do it anymore made me want it more. Just something to chase it all away for now. Maybe help me think better on what to do. Like I said, just this once.

I took a deep breath, staring at the lines laid before me and the twenty rolled in my tight fist. Time stood still and my mind went blank. I caught the view of myself from my peripheral vision as I bent down. The money as it was barely in my nose, my hand as it came up to block the other side, my eyes wide with both fear and need, the sweat as it rolled down the side of my face.

On the next inhale, pain shot through the right side of my nose, a burning like salt or rubbing alcohol to cleanse a wound. Only this would cleanse my mind. I wasn't concerned about the after anymore. If I would feel worse about myself, which I knew I would. I just wanted this. Fuck, I needed this.

Next was the sudden head rush. A rapid alertness as my eyes shot wide open. Kind of like the air outside that shocked my lungs, only this time in my brain. All tiredness and aching left my body. My hands still shook, but now for a different reason and I didn't mind. It was like everything was clear to me for one split second. But as quick as it came, I lost it.

I did another line, this time it didn't burn as much. I smiled as I sat on the floor, my back against the side of my bed. The twenty was still in my hand and my cheeks felt numb around my grin. I felt calmer now that I didn't ache so much, but I was now feeling too hyper. My brain felt so clear, yet thoughts never stayed on one subject too long.

I was thinking of Chief Swan and his asshole capabilities. What was I going to do about that man? I could beat the shit out of him, like he did to that man once. I wanted to so badly, but I knew it would kill Bella to see her father that way. OK, next plan. I could just threaten him again to leak it around town if he didn't allow us to be together. Spread it amongst all of the little sheep that gathered to this shit town. Let him see the shock on their faces and have him be on the other end of the law for once, where he belonged. I think that fits. I could get rid of him. Send him off to jail and then he wouldn't be around anymore to tell her no. I could have her all to myself. Finally. Of course, that would mean that Bella would have to find out too.

Sighing heavily, I brought myself to my knees, leaning against the dresser. Another line down.

Bella. Where could I start? She was my life, the only reason to try to live. She was the only thing that made it worth living. I wanted to touch her so badly, feel her skin against mine, hear her soft little sighs as she laid on my chest. I needed to feel her lips pressed against mine. I needed to hear her voice, the tiny laughter coming from her precious lungs. I wanted to text her, talk to her. But I knew that she was asleep in her own warm bed, dreaming of things that I hoped were about me. If I had her here right now, I would be picking up right where we left off before Alice came around and interrupted us.

Another line down again.

Alice. My blood, my family. She abandoned me when I needed her most. She was my place of safety and trust once. But I guess all of that disappeared when makeup and boys came around. She viewed me as something disgusting now, something that she didn't want to talk to. I'm sure she was even too ashamed to admit we were related to all of the other people at school. So what that I did drugs? That shouldn't be any reason for her to shove me away, to try to make Bella not be with me too. She saw me as I waste of space, a source of the decay of time. Just like my father does.

Two more lines, I don't even feel the burn anymore.

My father. Good old Dr. Carlisle Cullen who doesn't even care if I exist anymore. I'm not good enough for his perfect little parties, with everyone and their accomplished little lives. Another race of sheep. Dressed up in their designer clothes, their fake nails and their never out of place hair. Fat wallets to make up for the tiny hearts and souls. If you look beneath the surface, I bet you would find them as empty as me. Only they chose to hide it by their fake shells of smiles and waves. The epitome of everything that was wrong with this world. Everyone was a liar, a fraud. They all hid the true nature of themselves. Everyone but Bella.

He always tries to tell me what to do, how I should live my life. The way I see it, it's my life and I'm the only one who has to go when I die. So don't tell me what to do unless you plan on going with me when it's my time.

Last two lines.

I sat on my bed, my leg bouncing to the speed of my heart. I could feel it trying to break through all of the flesh and bones that jailed it in. I could see my shirt bouncing around in sync.

Bella... How could I have possibly won someone as perfect as her? I was a fuck up, the wrong end of society. What could she have seen in me? I fucked it up. I did it again. I couldn't let her know what I had just done. I would lose her forever. I would become like those zombies that my father spent too much of his time with. I would be the ultimate shell of a man. If I could even live without her.

Why did having to stay sober seem so difficult? I had what I had always wanted. Why was that not good enough? If I could, I would reverse time. Make it so I never started. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have begun the escape of reality. Then I wouldn't have to struggle to keep my promise. Then I would be sure that I wouldn't break Bella's heart. Why couldn't I just start everything over and make her mine from the very beginning? It's a fucking shadow that stays with me, haunts me and drags me down. It's always there in the back of my head. Sometimes as a soft whisper, other times a loud fucking scream.

This was it. I'm done. Despite the fact that I hate help from anyone, I'll do it for her. I'll go away for three months and come back a new man. A changed and better man who could do Bella no wrong. I could make her the happiest woman. It would kill me to be away from her for three months. But if those three months gave me the rest of my life with her, then I'd do it. I'd run to the nearest rehab and sign myself in. I'd do every fucking stupid assignment. I'd stand in front of everyone and claim my addiction. I'd put up with all of the doctors' fake personalities and false sympathy. All she would have to do is give a nod of her head, a look in her eye, and I'd find the next flight out. My dad made enough money for that shit. He would probably want me out of the house anyways. Another thing to not have to worry about or hide from the pristine socialists.

I laid back on my bed, muscles jittery and twitching. My hands and feet couldn't keep still and I felt wide awake. I could see my shirt bouncing around erratically with the beat of my heart. I could hear it in my ears, feel the pulse of blood coursing through my veins. It thumped in my head, a low pressure in the background of my thoughts. I ignored it all, willing myself to lay still against my pillow. Despite the annoying irregular beating of my heart, I smiled. This was the changing point. The time where I made everything clear and in control. I had made up my mind, the way to insure the safety of Bella's arms forever. She would wait for me, I would call her every day and we would miss each other. But it would be worth it.

I couldn't help the wide, goofy smile to spread across my face. The first one in many years. She was brought to me as my savior and I couldn't wait to let her know. I couldn't wait to see the same goofy grin on her face when I told her of all my dreams and plans. I couldn't wait to make her happy.

**BPOV**

******

I felt constricted, suffocating and sweaty. Half asleep, I kicked off the covers, trying to shake my thought from the nightmare. As consciousness set in, I realized it wasn't a nightmare. It was reality and probably always was. It was right there in my fucking house. The evidence was right there in my fucking face but I was too stupid to notice. I was too naive and innocent. He just shoved me into the real world with nobody but Edward to hold on to. I had Alice, but it was different. Edward was instant safety and feelings of contentment. I suddenly needed him badly and he didn't even know I was here, in his own house.

I carefully tried to get out of the bed, making sure that I wouldn't wake up Alice. My limbs shook with the effort of holding myself over her, watching her eyes for any signs of movement. When I was sure that all was safe, I swung my last leg over hers, holding my breath the whole time. I stood for a moment in the darkness watching her face through the shadows and making sure she never woke up.

I looked over to the clock. It was almost three. I wondered if he was awake. Would he get mad at me for coming in announced? I didn't completely care at this point anymore, I needed him. He couldn't get mad at me when I had all this shit to tell him about my father. He couldn't push me away when I needed him most. I knew he wouldn't. Somehow I knew he would be there and comfort me. To help me make sense of it all and not go entirely insane.

I looked for my phone, thinking I should text him first and tell him I'm coming over. But I couldn't find it in the darkness. Alice must have put it somewhere. I would just have to hope that I wouldn't scare him when I sneak into his room.

Giving one last look at Alice's sleeping form over my shoulder, I placed one hand on the door and one on the doorknob. I turned it slowly, opened the door just enough to fit and slipped through the tiny space. I paused out in the hallway. Everything was quiet and dark. I tiptoed down the carpet, thankful for no squeaking floors in this house.

I got to his door and lightly pressed my ear to it, looking for any signs that he was awake. The light was off and I couldn't hear him moving around, so I guess I would have to wake him up. Either way, I needed him. Something needed to be solid in my life. Everything was flipped around, a jumbled mess of lies and betrayal. His arms couldn't change the facts but it could make me feel better, for now.

I opened his door, much like I had with Alice's and crept through, closing the door just as silently behind me. I looked at him laying in bed. I could barely see him in the dark but the street lamp cast a vague light over the left side of his face, making small slits of light across his eyes and cheeks. He looked so peaceful asleep. A different man with no worries and nothing hidden. He looked like the man that it seemed only I knew him to be able to be. I secretly loved the fact that I knew things that nobody else knew about him, but I also couldn't stand the fact that everyone felt the need to keep me from him. I knew what he could be if he really tried. I knew, without any doubt, that I could spend the rest of my life with him. It could be me and him against the world, I don't get a fuck.

My knees sunk down slightly on the edge of the mattress as I tried to inch my way over to him. I laid on my right side, my elbow sinking into the pillow and my head rested on my hand. I watched him as he slept, a sense of calm already coming over me. I could just be in the same room with him and he could make everything better. I don't know how I'll be able to keep away from him with my father looming over me, watching my every move. But I was willing to defy everything he tried to do. He had no right to say anything anymore. He broke our home. I would do anything to stay by Edward's side, to be without him would only make it worse.

I brought my other hand to the side of his face to push his hair back, smiling at the innocence he seemed to radiate. I ran my fingers through his hair once, not able to stop myself, but it didn't wake him up. I chanced it again, feeling the soft strands of hair between my fingers. He laid still, unaware of my presence.

I moved closer, needing to feel him against me, the comfort of his skin. With my stomach pressed against his side, I laid my head against his chest, curling the hand that was in his hair under my chin, and breathed out a small sigh of contentment. I could go ahead and wake him up now, but I needed this one small moment to be mine, alone.

Everything was silent in the house. No outside traffic, no birds chirping, nobody stirring around downstairs, no Alice to come barging into the room to start her tirade of insults. Nothing but him and me. But everything seemed to be too quiet. Too still. I could only hear the sound of my heart through the pressure of my ear pressed against his chest. Nothing else.

My palms started sweating and my heart rate increased, knowing something was wrong but not being able to figure out what. I placed the hand that was under my chin against his chest and pushed myself up to look at his face. His eyes didn't move under his lids with the act of dreaming. There was no heart beat to match my own under the pressure of my hand. There was no rise and fall of his chest.

I kept looking at his face, confused, with tears already welling up in my eyes with fear. My mind and body were battling between facts and denial. I reached a shaky hand up to his cheek, the stubble of days unshaven prickling across the flesh of my palm.

"Edward?" I whispered out, voice cracking and tears starting to fall.

I pushed lightly at the side of his face and his head tilted, no reaction, no opening of his eyes.

"Edward?" I asked again, my voice now higher and laced with panic.

I scrambled to sit up, my eyes wide with horror and my brain still not fully functioning yet. I hit his leg with my foot, the toes curling up around his knee. Still no reaction, still silence to consume. I kicked him even harder, watching as his leg briefly rocked back and forth.

"Edward!" I screamed, my hands balled up in my hair, pulling, as I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing this was all a big fucking nightmare.

Quietness, stillness.

Only my heartbeat in my ears and the sound of my erratic breathing, coming in and out as a choking, gasping sound. My throat felt constricted, every molecule of air choking me instead of giving me relief.

I opened my eyes, not wanting to face the truth. With numb hands and fingers, I leaned over and placed them across his lips. The place I wanted to kiss more than anything, the place that helped me feel like home. His lips were warm, a reminder of the very few kisses I had before. But no breath hit the side of my fingers. No life echoing back at me.

My feet and hands scrambled around, pushing me backwards, causing me to fall off the bed with a loud thud. The fall hurt my back, causing my spine to hit against the floor, but the pain didn't register. I kept scooting back until I hit the wall. I curled into a ball, my knees drawn up to my chest, my face buried in my knees and my hands pulling at my hair again.

A shrill sound pierced through my ears and I begged it to stop. But then I became aware that it was my own cries screamed out into the silence of the night. A choking, gagging sound coming up through my chest and out of my mouth without thought. My throat ached with the sounds of my screams but my brain was still not there, my body felt numb and my heart ached. I was only aware of the intense pain in my chest, the feeling that I was going to die. That I wanted to die. Coldness spread through my body, I felt so fucking cold. I curled tighter into a ball, rocking back and forth. The screams continued, tears poured down my face and I shook so hard that I could hear my spine hitting against the wall.

His bedroom door slung open, hitting me against my right side, bouncing off of my knee. The light flipped on and I shrunk back against it, wanting the darkness to stay, afraid of what final truth the light would reveal.

Little hands grabbed my shoulders, shaking me. "Bella! What the hell is wrong!"

My screams continued, my body still rocking, despite the pressure of tiny hands pushing against me. I suddenly felt the absence of her body as she stood up and away from me.

"Oh fuck," I barely heard her whisper.

I couldn't look. I couldn't see the face of the man that I had loved for so many years look vacant. I couldn't see him laying there, a shell of what I had always secretly needed. I loved his soul, his determination to stand up for what he believed in, unwavered by anyone else. He didn't think I knew these things, but I watched him from a distance in a way that he never knew. My every thought in the back of mind was him, always. The pull that I had to him was still there. I wanted to follow him wherever he went. Even in death. I didn't care. I had nothing to live for anymore. My father chose to abandon me and what a family should signify. The man that I had an undeniable hold to through three years was now gone. I wanted the pain that consumed my body to concentrate in my chest and make my heart stop. I wanted it all to go away and everything to turn black. I didn't want to have to face the harsh light of his room and see him like that again.

Hard footsteps were coming my way, but I didn't move. I was still the ball on the floor, screaming out against the commotion around me from his parents. Everything was beginning to go black, even behind my eyelids that were shoved against my knees, I could tell everything was going darker. I begged it to come, to take me over and direct me to Edward. I felt dizzy, the effect causing my body to hit the floor. I stayed with my knees curled up to my chest and cried for it to come. If blackness was all that I could have, I would take it over anything else around me.

***

A stinging on my cheek brought me to consciousness, followed by the sound of Edward's dad. He was screaming out my name but it sounded so far away. I kicked my legs, trying to fight him, trying to make him go away. I wanted the darkness back. I wanted idiocy to anything around me.

"I think she's waking up," Alice said to the side of me. But her voice didn't have the familiar tone. It was masked by tears and sadness.

"Go away!" I screamed, my damaged throat making my voice sound unlike my own.

"Bella," Carlisle said softly, calmly. "You need to open your eyes. I can't let you keep them closed, you hit your head too hard."

"Fucking go away!" I screamed again, trying to curl back into a ball on my side.

His hand came down on my chest, stopping me from moving. I felt his fingers trying to open my eyes, fighting with me. I shook my head back and forth under him, trying to get away.

"I can't open them. I can't see him. Bring him back." I kept fighting against the hands that held me down. Hands that were now all over me, holding my legs and arms down, keeping my head still and trying to make me open my eyes.

"Bring him back. Bring him back," I chanted through strangled cries as they forced my eyes to adjust to the brightness of the room.

White, blue and red.

Too much and yet too little.

I kept my head turned away from Edward's bed as my body shook under Alice's hands as she tried to comfort me.

More footsteps as people came rushing in. Sounds of paramedics trying to revive him were like a hum in the back of my head, vibrating through me as they stomped around, barking out orders.

Another set of arms wrapped around me, trying to pick me up and cradle me.

"Are you OK?" My dad said, burying his face in my hair at the top of my head.

I kicked, punched screamed. Whatever it took to get him off of me, away from me, as nausea took over. I fell back on the floor, seething and looking up at him through tear filled eyes.

"You have no right to touch me!" I yelled out at him, pointing and waving my arm around to make him go away.

"What are you talking about Bells?" My father's panicked voice seemed humorous to me. Making me want to throw up even more.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," I angrily spat out as I tried to stand on wobbly legs, Alice trying to help hold me up. "You fucking liar. You fucking fake. I know what you've been doing and everything that you've been keeping from me."

I was now inching towards him, my body rigid in anger.

"What are you doing?" Alice whispered in my ear as I kept inching forward, tears streaming down from narrowed eyes.

I was now within reach and I pointed my finger, stabbing it into his chest. Commotion on top of the commotion taking place all around us. What was once a peaceful, silent room was now filled with screaming, crying and anger.

"You can't call yourself a fucking father anymore," I spat out at him, digging my finger through his police uniform with every word I spoke. "You gave that up the day that you fucking decided to do coke behind your daughter's back."

I heard Alice gasp from behind me as she kept her fingers digging into the flesh of my shoulders. My dad's face become suddenly pale and sick, shock taking over his once worried face.

"Yeah, that's fucking right," I sneered at him, bringing my face closer to his. "I know all about it. How long has this been going on _dad? _How long have you been the fucking hypocrite?"

He stopped staring at me with wide eyes of fear and looked over to where I knew that Edward's body laid in his bed, hidden around the swarm of paramedics.

His eyes came back to mine, anger now setting in. "You seemed to have chosen a fucked up coke head for a boyfriend. What makes me any different?"

I snapped, everything going black again. I jerked my arms out of Alice's hands started to blindly swing in the air. Fists, arms and feet collided as I kept on hitting him wherever I could.

"Fuck you!" I yelled as I kept trying to hurt him. "He's more then what you were to me. At least he said he'd try. At least he didn't try to keep it from me."

Carlisle's hands came down hard on my shoulders, jerking me away from my dad as I continued to try to kick and hit him through the air.

"I think you need to be going," Carlisle demanded over my head as he tried to shield me from my dad.

"It's my fucking daughter, Carlisle, " my dad replied, trying to be more dominate.

"And it's my house," Carlisle said as he handed me over to Alice. "I think you're going to be busy tonight. She's going to stay here with us for the night. She's eighteen, Charlie. She can do whatever she wants right now."

My father backed up towards the door in defeat. But he was stopped by the two cops who were watching our conversation, waiting to have to jump in. They instantly grabbed him and put the handcuffs on him, speaking apologies and how everything was protocol. It pissed me off even further that they could stand there and say sorry to the man who ruined my life and lied to me. He should be given out apologies, not receiving them.

I felt the sickness quickly rise up in my throat and I bent over Alice's arms that were around my waist. Blackness consumed again as I threw up all over the floor, Alice trying to keep me upright. I felt strong hands grab me before I fell and lift me up. I wished they were Edward's hands carrying me away.

I was vaguely aware of being laid down in a bed, blankets being pulled up around me. I grabbed the blankets and buried my face into it, crying out against the pain in my chest and the emptiness I felt all around me.

***

I woke up in the middle of screaming, choking on tears and confused. I looked around the room and for a moment I was lost. The four walls seemed so familiar, but the nightmare had left me too emotional to take it all in.

I briefly became hopeful that maybe it was all in my head, fears to come out in my sleep. I jumped off of the bed and turned on the light, desperate to find my phone and be able to text Edward. I had to make sure that he was OK.

The light illuminated the room, making reality crash back down. I crumbled on the floor, crying out against the familiar pain in my stomach and chest.

It was Edward's bedroom. I was sleeping in his bed. How did I even get here? I didn't know what was going on anymore. I was only aware of the fact that Edward wasn't with me.

I heard the door open behind me and I looked up to see Carlisle. His face was pained and tears were already in his eyes.

"Bella," he whispered out in broken breaths.

He lifted me up and laid me on the bed, covering me up. He sat beside me, rubbing my back in soothing, small circles.

"Do you not remember?" he sighed out.

I shook my head against the pillow, wishing it was Edward's chest as he laid exactly where I laid before.

"It's been two months, Bella," he whispered out.

I sat up, shaking and even more confused as I searched his face for answers.

I single tear rolled down his cheek as he continued. "Almost every other night I have to come in here and calm you down from screaming in your sleep. I have to explain things to you every time," he sighed heavily, his cheeks billowing out from the force of his breath, and he shut his eyes. "I have to remind you of why your here."

I shook my head quickly back and forth, trying to hold back tears. "I don't get it."

He opened his eyes and looked at me with sympathy. "I know you don't."

He brought the blankets back up to my lap and grabbed my hand before looking into my face. "You're dad is in jail. You live here with us."

I shook my head again. "So it wasn't just a dream?" I whimpered, sobs breaking free from my chest.

"No," he whispered, bringing me to his chest to hug me. "You keep forgetting, waking up in the middle of the night and yelling."

"Why am I in his room?" I asked with my face pressed against his chest, searching for comfort.

"You demanded it. You had nowhere else to go so we offered you a place here. But you said the only way that you would was if you got to sleep in his room, leave everything unchanged and just the way it was. Although, I'm beginning to think that wasn't the best choice. You have to admit you're not in the best mental position still. Nothing has become any better. This is not the way you should be acting after two months."

Sudden realization set in and I remembered it all. My dad being taken to jail, the court date, having to testify against him, the funeral, moving into his room, never wanting to leave the objects of his that he once held and made up his every day life.

I pushed myself away from him, sudden fear gripping my chest. "No! You can't! You can't take it away from me," I cried out. "Please, don't take it away."

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "We'll talk more about this later. Get some sleep, OK?"

I numbingly nodded and laid down as he turned off the light and shut the door quietly behind him, leaving the same slits of light to shine through the blinds and lay across the bed.

I stared at the light across the bed and remembered his face. His bright green eyes the first time that he kissed me. The soft brush of his lips and the warmth of his breath. The comfort of his arms and the calmness I would get from hearing his heart beating beneath my cheek. His laughter, caught by few, but the most beautiful sound that I had ever heard. The safety I felt when he stood beside me.

All of it was gone. How I was going to live on and function normally was unknown. I doubted I was ever going to. He was my heart for many years. He still was, but now there was pain to follow. Before, I could have hope that maybe we would be together one day. Now it felt so hollow. I didn't know if I would ever see him again, every be able to tell him how much I had loved him throughout the years.

He had promised me he would quit. But the doctors said he died of an overdose. The same shit that had my father in jail. It ripped apart my family and took away the only man that I ever wanted to be with.

But I couldn't feel angry at Edward and I didn't know why. I believed he really did try, I just didn't go about things the right way. I was too naive, too stupid and lost in love.

And now I was left alone. All I had was the same bed he slept in for years, the blankets he once used clutched to my hot cheeks as I cried into it. I could live in his room, surrounded by his belongings and pretend that it made me closer to him. Imagine the pillow pressed against my back was him hugging me to sleep. I could wrap the blanket tight enough around me to believe that it was his arms holding me. I could clutch a shirt of his that still hung in the closet and sleep in it, the smell of him making me think that he was still here. Still loving me and never leaving my side. Growing old together. I could still daydream about what could have been. All of the hopes and dreams that I had with him always by my side.

Or I could follow him in death. Choose to not live my life without him. Choose to not have to feel this horrible pain ripping me apart everyday. I was nothing of a person now without him. Maybe I could be more in death. Closer to him in whatever laid before me in the afterlife. Maybe I could be better, all pain disappeared and replaced by his smile. I could accept it all and determine it as my fate. I could embrace the emptiness, instead of trying to chase it away, and decide to follow him, like I always knew I would.

* * *

**There is a quote that a little special lady said to me and I included it in here. That quote is for MissCarissa. *much love* :)**

**And, I have to say thanks to ILWA and her hubby for info that I needed. She went beyond what she needed to do. **

**So...thought...reviews...I would love to hear them, please :) This last chap was really hard to write and I need some feedback people :)**

**Hope you enjoyed and go vote for whoever you like on Nov. 30th please :)  
**


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